Poetry Corner - Changes at First

Clarence Spad writes disconsolately...

Among my close friends on Reading Station friends there is unalloyed sadness that Sir Moir Lockhead, great helmsman of First Group's rise from Grampia, I think it is called, is standing down after twenty-one years of unequalled leadership.

Sonia Alarp, that, of course, is not her real name but one she has assumed for her new life of freedom on Reading Station says his love of animals is particularly heartwarming especially towards badgers and greyhounds.

We were particularly upset when we heard of a report by Arbuthnot, who we think are private bankers in London, saying it was time he should go and that First Group needing sorting out.

Anyone who observes First Group today could not possibly want to believe this. We are sure Tim O'Toole will not find this to be the case

TWO STANZAS ON CHANGES IN FIRST GROUP

Stanza the First (Group)

So farewell then Sir Moir
You are still so young, so craggy yet debonair
On your 65th birthday (Refer to I June posting) we hoped you would stay for ever
Just like Kim Jong Il of North Korea
But now you are both going
I suppose you (but not Kim Jong Il)
Will now retire to your farm near Aberdeen
And every time you look at your herd of cattle
You might be reminded of your former passengers.

STANZA THE SECOND

Lines re-welcoming Tim O'Toole to First Group (see my previous Opus)

A re-welcome then Tim O'Toole
It is rumoured that in the past few days
You have been humming Roy Clark's catchy
'Thank God and Greyhound You're Gone'
But I cannot believe this is true.

Will this do?

UPDATE: This from a Mr Burns...

Looking at Rail-News.com this morning, it looks like Sir Moir has already stepped down.


Does the stock market know?

Poetry corner - Clarence Spad resurgans!

This just in from Clarence Spad, Life President of the Young Railway Poets Society...

I am just back from being the Young Railway Poet in residence at the summer-long Belarus Fraternal Festival of Vertically Integrated Railways held at the famous freight yards in Minsk where I was most honoured to be asked to write a poem by Premier of Belarus, Alexander Grigoryevich Lukashenko, no less

Lines on the proposal by Anatoly Siva, head of Belarusian Railways suggesting that Kazakhstan switch to common rail freight tariffs with Belarus and Russia.

'Oh mighty railways of Belarus, Kazakhstan and the Russia Federation
Bonds of steel, sinews of trade, muscles of cultural solidarity, veins of history, bones of grandeur
Why do you not have the same rail freight tariffs?'

I am told it translates very well in to Russian and even rhymes in part.

I have to admit I was a bit lonely at Minsk because UK national railways are, rightly, banned from the festival.

There was someone from LUL but whenever he talked about Boris everyone asked whether a miracle had taken place and Mr Yeltsin had risen from the dead and become Mayor of London.
Any attempt to say this was not the case was met with utter disbelief.

Anyway, you can imagine my surprise on returning to Reading Station to see that someone has written a poem in my name about the esteemed Doctor Mike Mitchell no longer having a job.

I am told this is incorrect information as a friend of Mark Hopwood who also knows everyone at First Group says that the Doctor was at a top table at the National Rail Awards last Thursday.

Surely this must mean he still has a job?

Lines on Dr Mike Not Getting The Sack

'It is the seventieth anniversary of the Battle of Britain
When we remember brave men who saved their country
There is a man today in Whitehall doing the same
For our railway industry
But he is not the same as those pilots of yesteryear
Because he occasionally wears a beard.'

PS My close circle of friends on Reading Station are most concerned that we have not been consulted about Reading station redevelopment. It all seems to be rushed through without the thought of the consequences.

All the new platforms will be most confusing and the daily miracles, and sometimes source of sardonic amusement, that are Platforms 4 and 5 will disappear.

Poetry Korner - lines on the departure of Dr Death

This just in from Clarence Spad, Life President, Young Railway Poets Society, Platform 5 Reading Station (the interesting end)

So farewell then Dr Mitchell.
Or may I call you Mad Mike?

It is hard to know where to start the eulogies,
So much progress was made on your watch.
Like the ever morphing Intercity Excess Programme,.
Or the way you brought the rapacious ROSCOs to heel.
And while we are talking of rolling stock,
And talking about them is the nearest we get to new trains,
There is the triumph of the HLOS 1300 vehlcies.
Not to mention the Thameslink fleet procurement
(which is supposed to be all over by Christmas).

You were resolute on Network Rail.
Never deviating from the view that it was a private company.
And nothing to do with DfT,
Even when Lord Whatsisface thought he ran the railways.

You kept the TOCs under a tight rein too.
Resolutely rejecting Virgin's attempts to extend their franchise.
And stripped National Express of the East Coast route,
after they had told you they were handing back the keys...
And you showed Brian Souter what he could do with his cap & collar clauses in the SWT franchise agreement.

But now it seems that you have been uncollared and caped.

With ardent acknowledgments to EJ Thribb of Private Eye.

Drummond deserts Eye - Shocker

This from Clarence Spad...

LINES WRITTEN ON SEEING BULLDOG DRUMMOND'S ARTICLE IN RAIL

So Bulldog Drummond DSO MC
You were a hero of the Royal Loamshires
But now you are in RAIL magazine
I think you are a deserter
From Railway Eye

Also I have my doubts about Bulldog Drummond's so called regiment as I cannot find any Class 45 locos bearing this name.

However when I showed the RAIL article On Network Rail finances to my mum she said it made her feel a lot better about her £250 overdraft so he would still be most welcome at platform 5 of Reading station (the interesting end).

UPDATE: This from Bulldog Drummond...

I fear that Clarence is confusing me with my father, Drummond senior, who most definitely was in the Royal Loamshires.

The article was published in RAIL because at over 2,000 words it would have sludged up the nervously brilliant repartee of this blog.

Poetry Corner

This just in from Clarence Spad...

ON THE DEPARTURE OF A CHIEF EXECUTIVE

Lines written in the style of John Betjeman who, if he were alive today, would be most welcome at Reading Station.

Shades of Brunel, Gooch, Stephenson look on most pleased
As a wealthy little man from his job’s released
In canteen, depot, lineside hut hearts are lighter
Grizzled men pass the message ‘They’ve ditched the blighter’

But passing joy is set against a high price paid
Good people gone, a real chance of change delayed
The windy rhetoric of false targets, world class
Are the long, dark nightmare that must quickly pass

So now’s the chance for a Network Rail resurgent
With bold leaders enlightened, vital, urgent
To ensure that when there is no more oil to burn
The age of the train will rightly return.

We also hear that the popular railtour from Reading to Iainland has been cancelled at very short notice and without explanation.

Applications for refunds to the organisers, World Class Railway-tours, have been met by a curt direction that Network Rail will sort out and pay what is necessary once international benchmarking is complete.

Poetry Corner - Lines on First Group changes

This just in from Clarence Spad, Life President of the Young Railway Poets Society...

LINES WRITTEN ON THE CHANGES AT FIRST GROUP ANNOUNCED RECENTLY

In the style of William McGonagall who was a great poet of Dundee and if he were alive today would be most welcome on Reading Station

T’was on the afternoon of eighth of June twenty ten
Most interesting and curious news came to Reading Station
That the gallant knight of Scotland called Sir Moir
Was reorganising First Group leaving blood on the floor

From First Group House in the granite city of Aberdeen
The word went out along the railways from Wick to Sheen
Great changes were afoot in the corridors of power
The dark and beetle browed knight was man of the hour

But then as always gangs on this sad earth some evil news
The queen of buses, Nicola Shaw, had gone, new job to choose
‘Tis said that she was most affronted
Not to get his job and was in a siding shunted

The bosses of First Group are paid very well
But that’s the purpose of privatisation I’ve heard tell
Our maisters tell us ne’er ever should we complain
T’is a privilege to pay handsomely to travel by Sir Moir’s train

Now welcome back to Britannia Tim O’Toole
A sharp and clever graduate from law school
On Britain’s railways that’s the skill that’s needed
To ensure the company’s demands are heeded
And the Government continues great sums to pay
First Group PLC until Judgement Day

We have now heard unofficially that the Son et Lumiere we noted on our last post has been cancelled.

Mark Hopwood is said to be very relieved.

His body stocking had split in a number of places following vigorous rehearsals and the textile re-fitting team at Swindon were finding restoring it to good condition an impossible challenge.

Belated birthday greetings Sir Moir!

This just in from Clarence Spad, Life President of the Young Railway Poets Society and ‘First’ with the news

LINES SLIGHTLY BELATEDLY WRITTEN ON SIR MOIR LOCKHEAD REACHING THE AGE OF 65 (25 APR)

Happy birthday Sir Moir
You are almost exactly
Four years younger
Than Kim Jong Il
The revered leader of North Korea

I hope you will not be thinking of retiring
Just as we know that Kim Jong Il
Has no plans to do so either

We are also hearing exciting rumours on Reading Station that First Great Western are organising a Son et Lumiere on the country end of Platform 5, Reading Station to commemorate the continuing outstanding leadership and 65th birthday of Sir Moir Lockhead.

We hope that the story we have been told is true that Mark Hopwood, dressed in a one piece body stocking in First Group colours and decorated with the First Group logo at key points of his anatomy, will give an incredible free style balletic mime of selected passages from that inspirational book, An Incredible Journey, the First Story.

Mark's backing dancers, known affectionately as the Hopettes, are, we are told, busily preparing their routines.

The lighting will be provided by two Mendip Rail Class 59s remaining stationary at Platforms 5 and 9 for the entire two hours of the show.

Brunel you should be living at this hour.

Poetry Corrner - Norman

This just in from Clarence Spad Life President, Young Railway Poets Society:

LINES WRITTEN AT READING STATION ON WATCHING A BEDWYN WORKING BEING RELEASED ONTO THE BERKS AND HANTS JUST BEFORE THE ARRIVAL OF A LATE RUNNING TRAIN TO TAUNTON: THEREBY ENSURING THE LATTER TRAIN WILL CONSEQUENTLY RUN TEN MINUTES LATE AND THE BEDWYN SERVICE WILL HAVE TO WAIT AT NEWBURY UNTIL THE FAST TRAIN HAS PASSED

My premonitions were right.
Norman has got the job.
Jim who has worked
For forty years on Platform 4
Told me that in 1962
Sue Thompson
An American singer
Had a hit song called Norman
I have listened to it on Youtube
It is very catchy
I am sure
Once Phil hears it
He will soon be humming it to his new
Parliamentary Under Secretary



'Clarence is the Rilke of Reading Station,' Wordsworth

Poetry corner - lines on a new Minister

This just in from Clarence Spad, Life President, Young Railway Poets Society, Platform 5 Reading Station (the interesting end)

LINES WRITTEN ON THE APPOINTMENT OF PHIL HAMMOND MP AS SECRETARY OF STATE DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORT

So welcome in Phil
For a moment I thought Dave had made a mistake
And muddled you up with Stephen
Who was doing railways
Before you moved into Marsham Street

Perhaps Stephen will come and work with you
Which will be alright
But you may not want to cause any confusion
So Norman might get the job instead

I can't wait to see what you decide
When I get home for tea tonight

With ardent acknowledgments to my mentor EJ Thribb of Private Eye.