Poetry corner - Clarence Spad resurgans!

This just in from Clarence Spad, Life President of the Young Railway Poets Society...

I am just back from being the Young Railway Poet in residence at the summer-long Belarus Fraternal Festival of Vertically Integrated Railways held at the famous freight yards in Minsk where I was most honoured to be asked to write a poem by Premier of Belarus, Alexander Grigoryevich Lukashenko, no less

Lines on the proposal by Anatoly Siva, head of Belarusian Railways suggesting that Kazakhstan switch to common rail freight tariffs with Belarus and Russia.

'Oh mighty railways of Belarus, Kazakhstan and the Russia Federation
Bonds of steel, sinews of trade, muscles of cultural solidarity, veins of history, bones of grandeur
Why do you not have the same rail freight tariffs?'

I am told it translates very well in to Russian and even rhymes in part.

I have to admit I was a bit lonely at Minsk because UK national railways are, rightly, banned from the festival.

There was someone from LUL but whenever he talked about Boris everyone asked whether a miracle had taken place and Mr Yeltsin had risen from the dead and become Mayor of London.
Any attempt to say this was not the case was met with utter disbelief.

Anyway, you can imagine my surprise on returning to Reading Station to see that someone has written a poem in my name about the esteemed Doctor Mike Mitchell no longer having a job.

I am told this is incorrect information as a friend of Mark Hopwood who also knows everyone at First Group says that the Doctor was at a top table at the National Rail Awards last Thursday.

Surely this must mean he still has a job?

Lines on Dr Mike Not Getting The Sack

'It is the seventieth anniversary of the Battle of Britain
When we remember brave men who saved their country
There is a man today in Whitehall doing the same
For our railway industry
But he is not the same as those pilots of yesteryear
Because he occasionally wears a beard.'

PS My close circle of friends on Reading Station are most concerned that we have not been consulted about Reading station redevelopment. It all seems to be rushed through without the thought of the consequences.

All the new platforms will be most confusing and the daily miracles, and sometimes source of sardonic amusement, that are Platforms 4 and 5 will disappear.

Poetry Korner - lines on the departure of Dr Death

This just in from Clarence Spad, Life President, Young Railway Poets Society, Platform 5 Reading Station (the interesting end)

So farewell then Dr Mitchell.
Or may I call you Mad Mike?

It is hard to know where to start the eulogies,
So much progress was made on your watch.
Like the ever morphing Intercity Excess Programme,.
Or the way you brought the rapacious ROSCOs to heel.
And while we are talking of rolling stock,
And talking about them is the nearest we get to new trains,
There is the triumph of the HLOS 1300 vehlcies.
Not to mention the Thameslink fleet procurement
(which is supposed to be all over by Christmas).

You were resolute on Network Rail.
Never deviating from the view that it was a private company.
And nothing to do with DfT,
Even when Lord Whatsisface thought he ran the railways.

You kept the TOCs under a tight rein too.
Resolutely rejecting Virgin's attempts to extend their franchise.
And stripped National Express of the East Coast route,
after they had told you they were handing back the keys...
And you showed Brian Souter what he could do with his cap & collar clauses in the SWT franchise agreement.

But now it seems that you have been uncollared and caped.

With ardent acknowledgments to EJ Thribb of Private Eye.

Department for Transport - an epicures delight

Although Transport is one of the more lowly Departments of State it can on occasions get right up there with the best of them.

So it was with a sense of pride that the Fact Compiler discovered that DfT officials have won both second and third place in the coveted Troughing Stakes.

This from the Bureau of Investigative Journalism via the Daily Telegraph:

Here are the most wined-and-dined mandarins in Whitehall, based on the published hospitality information for central government departments, and FOI research.

1. Dave Hartnett, Permanent Secretary for Tax, HMRC

Accepted hospitality on 107 occasions.

2. Mike Mitchell, Director General National Networks, Department for Transport

Accepted hospitality on 89 occasions.

3. Simon Webb, Director General: International Networks & Environment, Department for Transport

Accepted hospitality on 80 occasions.

How noble that Messrs Mitchell and Webb should sacrifice their waistlines in pursuit of a better understanding of transport issues.

In these austere times an example to us all.

Of course such onerous duties take it out of a man, so it comes as no surprise to discover that Dr Mike will hang up his napkin in November.

Discreet soundings are already being taken on who should replace him.

Eye understands that an ability to think on your stomach heads the list of candidate attributes.

UPDATE: This from The Master...

Presumably it is safe to assume that Dr Death wasn't wined and dined on East Coast...

Dr Mike named as Civil Service top earner

Telegrammed by our International Correspondent
The coalition, bless it, has published a list of the highest paid civil servants in the UK.

And Lo! it does say:

Dr Mike Mitchell - Head of National Networks - DfT - £200,000 - £204,999

Mere baubles against Sir Moir's £609,000 last year, but more than enough for a few meals in East Coast dining cars (if there are still any running).

And a full £40k more than DafT's Permanent Secretary trousered!

Clearly Dr Death's salary has also kept pace with inflation - why less than five years ago the Daily Telegraph said he earned a mere £150k a year.

No matter.

Eye salutes a wise and well respected figure, who leads the industry from the front with great pots of cash (shurely 'great charisma'? Ed).

What a great boss

Another gem from Wednesday's PAC:

"Within two years of the formation of the Rail Service Delivery Directorate in 2005, 30% of the staff had left."

Perhaps the figure would be better if Dr Mitchell had led from the front... and gone first.

SUBTLE!!!!!

National Express has kindly clarified the industry's view of the Department for Transport.

This from NatEx's response to the competition commission findings:

National Express comment:
"The TfL model involves, effectively, TfL procuring the rolling stock and making it available to its concessionaire.The equivalent of this would be that the DfT would procure the trains and make them available to franchisees. This is the approach being adopted for the IEP and Thameslink fleets.

"However, our close involvement in the IEP procurement has indicated that the DfT may not be the best organisation to specify such vehicles and a more market sensitive approach might have been achieved by having a train operator prepare the specification."

The Fact Compiler has a suspicion that 'Sir' Richard Bowker gets on well with 'Dr' Mike Mitchell.

A bridge too far?

Alas, all appears not to have gone well at today's Railway Forum annual conference.

Dr Mike "Death" Mitchell was given a speaking slot and invited to answer questions afterwards.

Death, the rudest man on the railway, left the event post haste to crawl back under his Marsham Street stone leaving questions unasked, let alone unanswered.

Meanwhile event sponsors, Mouchel, were given two bites at the presentation cherry.

Unfortunately their second slot, on 'bridge maintenance', proved so exhilarating that several delegates were seen to drill out their own fillings in a desperate attempt to remain awake.

Richard Brown, Railway Forum Chairman, may well be nursing sore ears tonight, judging by the number of delegates keen to bend them with less than complimentary views of the event.