Railway Gob-sh1ttery - London Underground

This from 5741 Duck...

London Underground is always very insistent that passengers "Please use all the available doors".

Getting on/off/on/off... etc until you've used all available doors takes ages.

And that was on a quiet day. Imagine if everybody obeyed this in the rush hour: even if they all started at the same end of the train it would be bedlam.

But I don't think LUL really means it, as the doors closed while I was on the platform between cars.

UPDATE: This from Theydon Bois...

Whilst I am still greatly enjoying the mental image of 5741 Duck working along the train in a heroic effort to comply with the perceived instruction to use all the doors, I do rather suspect that LU is addressing passengers collectively rather than individually and that 5741 Duck is misinterpreting this for (undoubted) comic effect.

Mind you, that does not therefore mean the announcement is sensible or necessary, just that it is somewhat more sensible than 5741 Duck would have us believe.

I wonder how long you would get away with trying to do this before the BTP's finest felt obliged to come and discuss it with you.

And whether citing the LU announcement would be an effective defence under Rail Rozzer interrogation.

I do hope it would.

Railway Gob-sh1ttery - Pendolinos

This from a Mr Weinberg...

Heard on Virgin Pendolinos:

“Please don't attempt to open doors till train has come to a complete stop”

In my experience you can't open the b----y doors till several minutes AFTER the train has come to a stop!

UPDATE: This from a Mr West in the Dominions...

"Complete stop" - do any pendolinos do a "partial stop"?

Maybe a return to GWR-style slip coaches might be one way to serve more stations without increasing journey times.

Pointless signs and pointless announcements

This from Captain Deltic...

Whilst on the subject of Pointless Signs, what about Pointless Announcements?

Has anyone ever seen any passenger get up and 'familiarise' themselves with the safety notices following pre-departure announcements?

UPDATE: This from the Warton Wizard...

At Leeds we have:

"Due to today's wet weather surfaces may be slippery when wet" even when it's sunny

"It is an offence to trespass on the railway, please keep off the tracks"

"This station operates a no smoking policy"

"Security staff patrol this station 24 hours a day"

plus a ludicrous one about a left luggage facility as well as many, many more.

Perhaps Eye should start a feature called Railway Gob-Shittery?

An excellent idea, thank you Warton Wizard.

Have you examples of fatuous announcements, railway gob-shittery or pointless noise pollution? If so send them to Eye at the usual address.

National Express statement on Greater Anglia

This from Dean Finch...

Dear Colleague

I am sorry to report that National Express has not been short-listed by the Department for Transport to bid for the short Greater Anglia franchise, due to run from February 2012. We are seeking urgent clarification from the Department for Transport to explain this decision.

We are naturally very disappointed. We believe we submitted a very positive and high quality pre-qualification document. We are also proud of the significant improvements delivered since we started running NXEA and the on-going industry-leading performance of c2c.

In the meantime we will remain focused on delivering services for our customers, including the introduction of new trains on West Anglia.

We have had a very strong start to the year across the rest of our business. I am confident we can maintain this momentum for the rest of the year and look to many other opportunities in the coming months.

Please cascade as appropriate.

Regards,

Dean Finch
Group Chief Executive

West Coast franchise prequalification

Sources suggesting that Virgin, Abellio, First, and a Keolis/SNCF joint venture have prequalified for the West Coast franchise.

Happily, for fans of WiFi, DB/Arriva failed to make the grade.

More to follow...

UPDATE: This from the DfT...

SHORTLISTED BIDDERS FOR GREATER ANGLIA AND INTERCITY WEST COAST RAIL FRANCHISES

The Department for Transport has today announced the names of the companies shortlisted to bid for the new Greater Anglia and InterCity West Coast franchises.

They are:

For Greater Anglia

• Abellio Greater Anglia Limited (NV Nederlandse Spoorwegen)
• Eastern Railway Limited (Go-Ahead Group PLC)
• Stagecoach Anglia Trains Limited (Stagecoach Group plc)

For InterCity West Coast:

• Abellio InterCity West Coast Limited (NV Nederlandse Spoorwegen)
• First West Coast Limited (FirstGroup plc)
• Keolis / SNCF West Coast Limited (Keolis SA and SNCF)
• Virgin Trains Limited (Virgin Group Holdings Limited)

Today's short listing comes after the Government published requirements for the two franchises, seeking expressions of interest.

The Invitation to Tender for the Greater Anglia franchise will be issued in April.

The Government has set out the following objectives for the franchise:

• Delivering a quality of service for passengers for the entire rail journey.
• Working with the Department and other stakeholders to ensure value
• for money.
• Managing and delivering changes required to accommodate Crossrail.
• Implementing the station responsibilities if required.
• Working effectively with Network Rail to maintain performance.
• Delivering the plans around the Olympics.
• Managing the introduction of the Class 379 HLOS vehicles.
• Controlling operational costs and maximising revenue.

The consultation on the InterCIty West Coast franchise is still ongoing and closes on 21 April.

Responses to the consultation will inform the Invitation to Tender which will be issued in May.

The Government has set out the following objectives for the franchise:

• To exploit the full potential of the route and maximize capacity.
• To manage effectively the integration of new rolling stock vehicles.
• To improve overall passenger satisfaction.
• To deliver the agreed Olympic services.
• To improve accessibility to services and stations.
• To improve the environmental performance of the franchise.
• To manage effectively any changes during the franchise.
• To achieve sustainable value for money.

- ENDS -

Greater Anglia franchise prequalification

Sources suggest that Go-Ahead, Stagecoach and Abellio have prequalified for the Greater Anglia franchise.

So farewell National Express!

More to follow...

UPDATE: This from the DfT...

SHORTLISTED BIDDERS FOR GREATER ANGLIA

They are:

For Greater Anglia

• Abellio Greater Anglia Limited (NV Nederlandse Spoorwegen)
• Eastern Railway Limited (Go-Ahead Group PLC)
• Stagecoach Anglia Trains Limited (Stagecoach Group plc)

See post above for full text of the DfT announcement.

Pointless signs - East Midlands Parkway

This from the Wicked Weaver...

Here, at East Mid's Parkway - a virgin site upon which to build a multi-platform station - they've ended up with errr... 'steep' stairs.



It would be amusing, were it not so sad!

There must be thousands of such staircases, all to be labelled steep?

Who comes up with these things - is there a British Standard?

Pointless signs - St Pancras

This from Trailer Second...

I thought Eye readers might be interested in this hectoring nonsense lovingly crafted by someone with far too much time on their hands.

Seen at the bottom of the escalator at St Pancras.




Fortunately nobody stops to read it.

District Dave RIP

Sad news from London Reconnections...

Dave Maloney, a London Underground Instructor Operator on the District Line, perhaps better known to many as District Dave, has died aged 59.

Obit here.

Grauniad wants questions for Petrol-head!

This spotted by The Archer...

Exciting news from Andrew Sparrow, the Grauniad's Political Blogger!

"What do you want to ask Philip Hammond, the transport secretary?

"I'm interviewing Hammond on Thursday. What would you like me to ask him?"

Eye readers may care to... ahem... fill their boots!

Villiers vignettes - On plucking figures out of thin air!

Telegrammed by Ithuriel
According to St Theresa, in a written answer.

"Introducing the bi-mode option for the Intercity Express Programme is estimated to save around £200 million (net present value) as compared to introducing a fleet of all-electric trains to be coupled to a diesel locomotive beyond the electrified sections of the railway."

Can it be that her advisors have failed to tell her that the original specification for an ultra-lightweight IEP has turned into a Voyager DEMU clone?

And that a five car EMU ought to have a capital and whole life maintenance cost a darn sight less than the same train with three diesel engines underneath?

Eye suspects that DfT civil servants are even now wondering how to tell their boss that she somehow transposed their NPV and omitted the sentence explaining that:

"Whilst a bi-mode would cost more, it provides valuable insurance against the UK nuclear power programme - and with it electritifcation - being delayed."

Perhaps we will never know. Unless one of Eye's Parliamentary readers feels like asking the question...

UPDATE: This from an Eye reader in the supply chain who wishes to remain anonymous...

Amazing that Villiers can have such an accurate NPV saving for bi-mode against EMU+Diesel when suppliers of modern diesel locos (Builders and Lessors) were not even consulted on relative costs both capital and whole-life.

Pointless signs - Bottesford

This from the Scavanger...

Discovered in Leicestershire, on the formation of the former GN & LNW line from Market Harborough to Bottesford.

This photo was taken looking north to the site of Bottesford South Junction.


Local sources suggest that the Permanent Way ceased to be 'permanent' in the late 1980s.

UPDATE: This from @Gav678, via Twitter...

Bottesford sign is for the access road which leads to the signalbox. So very valid and relevant.

Not pointless at all

DafT determined to reduce delays - Not!

This from John...

The DfT press office today confirmed that an announcement on the preferred bidder for new Thameslink rolling stock will be made in Spring 2011.

When confronted with the fact that it is already Spring, and that Spring could last until early May, the spokesman just kept repeating "Spring 2011".

So it could be any time - we still don't know.

When asked why the announcement was already a year late, and why they still couldn't confirm a firm date, the spokesman just commented that the bids had to be given "due consideration".

No wonder TOCs are complaining that government involvement delays the whole process.

Even a year after their first target, they seemingly still have no idea when they can make an announcement.

A Thameslink train arriving 5 minutes after time is officially classified as late - what are we supposed to term the delay of a whole fleet by a year?

UPDATE: This from Theydon Bois...

It is perhaps time to remind ourselves of Captain Deltic's Third Law of Informed Sources: -

"Always mistrust schedules based on the seasons"

Born out of bitter experience waiting for the APT to enter revenue service.

UPDATE: This from Captain Deltic...

Informed Sources Third law refers:

Mistrust all forecasts based on the seasons.

Pointless signs - Tile Hill

This from the Viceroy...

Despite the fact that Tile Hill is many miles beyond Northampton in the direction of Birmingham, this silly information relating to the 10.54 departure appears whenever a service is formed of trains that start off from Euston with eight cars before dividing at Northampton with the first 4 only going forward to Birmingham.


The staff at Tile Hill tell me they have complained to management but nothing has been done to stop this happening.

Similar nonsense appears at other stations, too, between Northampton and Birmingham.

Beardie Rail unveils 'simplified' catering offer

This from the late W E Johns...

Beardie rail has finally thrown in the towel and provided menus on its services.

It has gone further by providing food on some of them too, although you will need to be an aficionado of railway geography to understand whether you will get a Kipper or a cuppa.

This is because of the footnotes, which would be a credit to the Sunday table 65, circa 1973. But more later.

To begin (literally), one has to choose whether one is on a 'Breakfast' or 'Light Breakfast' train.

This is not determined by the time of day; rather the time that the train started its journey.

Thus, if one is feeling peckish at Preston, then the 10:17 departure has crossed the line and only a light breakfast will be served. If, however one waits until 11:56, ('full') breakfast will be served as the train leaves Glasgow before the 1000 watershed. Of course, Lancastrians expecting to tuck in to a mid day lunch might be perplexed to find a full breakfast (these days sans black pudding) on offer.

It doesn't stop there.

Trains between 11:00-17:00 and after 19:00 have what are optimistically described as 'a choice of two seasonal hot options (that's the stuff that lurks in vats on the trolley, clad in tin foil) and sandwiches'.

Between 17:00 and 19:00 an evening meal is served, leading to a whole string of possible anomalies across the WCML.

However, Beardie has a clever plan to outwit even the greatest pedant.

This is a return to the 12-hour clock on the menu, together with a disclaimer that 'times are approximate and may vary according to your journey'.

Thanks for that!

Now to the footnotes...


*on Wolverhampton-Euston, cereal served in First Class Lounge only (translation-you've missed out stupid)
** selected services only (cheese and biscuits).

And the best for last...

'Customers travelling between London and Milton Keynes may enjoy a cup of tea/coffee' (translation-'that is all you deserve. We already have to share the revenue with London Midland. And don't anyone else think they will get anything until after MK going north').

The outcome of the latter means that it is practically impossible for some London to Coventry passengers to enjoy a relaxed meal if they are on a train which calls at Milton Keynes.

Labour launches Transport Policy Review

The Labour Party has launched its Transport Policy Review.

A website inviting contributions can be found here.

Compare and contrast: Equinox and Dispatches

This from EE507...

I thought Eye readers might be interested in this as an antidote to Channel 4's latest Dispatches offering...

Remember the pre-Big Brother C4 that screened well-researched and soundbite-free docs, cutting-edge drama and international cinema?

Try this edition of Equinox from 1990 called Trouble on the Line (parts 2 to 4 can be found in the video responses):



Then compare it to tonight's Dispatches.

Viewers will no doubt end up wondering what has really changed in 21 years, given the doc's criticism of civil service meddling and ineptitude, and the lack of a long-term coherent strategy for developing the railway...

Pointless signs - Refurbed Northern 155s

This from David, in sunny Yorkshire...




Happily no orange strip...

Pointless signs - Dronfield Station

This from the latest Friends of Dronfield Station Newsletter, via a Mr Wheat...


UPDATE: This from a Mr Cherry...

I wish to complain!

Re "Dronfield Trian Station" -- this should be "Dronfield Rialway Station" !!

Luvvie Wilson faces lifetime rail ban - Shocker

Much excitement in railway press offices across the land!

Luvvie Wilson has taken to the media trail to promote tomorrow's Channel 4 Dispatches programme.

The Sunday Times even devoted a whole page to the 74 year old, and former 90's celebrity, noting that he has:

"...never made a secret of his twin tastes for champagne and socialism.

"For the past twenty years Wilson has rarely encountered the ignominy of second-class..."

Indeed!

Eye is frankly surprised he can remember what class he travels nowadays, as clearly the years have taken their toll.

Sadly on a recent rail journey to Sheffield, with amazingly enough a film crew in tow, it emerged that the old boy had forgotten both his wallet and Senior Railcard!

Having paid a mere £15.85 for a first class return!!! the absent minded voice of the Labour Party manifesto, when asked to show his correct travel documentation, accused a hapless Gripper of calling him a liar.

Ed Balls would be proud!

No matter.

The industry will be watching tomorrow's programme with interest.

On the plus side Eye has spotted grounds to ensure that Meldrew cannot take advantage of the industry again!


Meanwhile, the Railway Benefit Fund may wish to consider their links with such a partial observer?