As Scamalot claims yet more scalps the Eye has received this plaintive cry from a reader:
Here's my offering on Youtube about the MP expenses scandal.
If you like it please promote it to your chums.
Many thanks. Mickeytwonames
Well Mickey.
I don't think we like this scandal at all.
No.
Not one bit.
Therefore over to you:
Remember to use your vote wisely on the 4th June.
Good news for Michelle Jenkins whose son was safely born at London Bridge station on the Jubilee line.
Of course now comes the difficult bit.
What to name the child - the first boy to be born on the Underground.
Perhaps we should turn to Richard Bowker for guidance?
Richard, it will be remembered, shared with the nation that he thought about naming his child 'Waverley', to celebrate NatEx winning the East Coast Franchise.
Then again...
Does anyone remember Soap?
The story of the Campbells and the Tates.
The theme tune always signed off with the line: "confused, you will be...".
So what are we to make of these two stories that both appeared on broadsheet websites today?
This from the Gruaniad...
The rail industry is urging the government to run shorter trains in order to meet Britain's climate change obligations. Removing carriages outside rush hour would conserve energy and reinforce rail's reputation as one of the greenest modes of transport, says an industry manifesto published today.
But what's this?
In the Independent they ran with...
The number of main line trains is only about 5 per cent greater than it was in 1994 yet they are carrying 60 per cent more passengers, a rail industry strategy report said today. Planned additional carriages are "desperately needed" on a system likely to have to accommodate a doubling in passengers over the next 30 years, the report added.
Is anybody actually managing the message?
UPDATE: Perhaps we should ask Pete...
Is this for real?
This from TransportXtra...
Virgin’s Pendolinos have received the worst rating of any long distance train in a Passenger Focus survey... However, another modern train, the Meridian fared best.
You've got to be kidding.
Better than an HST?
Never!
Meridians have the worst seat alignment of any train on the network.
Even in first class the seats appear to have been designed to minimise the view of the outside world.
And has anybody ever succeeded in making a call or keeping an internet connection open in the dreadful things.
They may thump and rattle but at least you can connect to the outside world on a Bendydildo.
Telegrammed by Ithuriel
And still more from 'Not the 2014 show'...
'Transport planning will be much more effective if bodies such as Passenger Transport Executives and local authorities have clarity over more than five years. Ultimately, it will enable the industry to deliver what its customers want, and to do so more efficiently'.
Which was the aim of the 10 Year Transport Plan , now in its final, sadly unfulfilled, year.
Industries get into trouble when the last person retires who remembers the last great cock-up. And 2000 does seem a very long time ago.
Perhaps the authors of the new cultural revolution should read the manifesto of John Prescott's cultural revolution.
Regular Eye readers may recall that NR's Internet Rapid Rebuttal Unit waxed lyrical last week about cheap advanced tickets.
This update from PJ (for it is he)....
Just to say that my four cities, via four TOCs, 500-mile, £69 trip yesterday (Lord Adonis eat your heart out) went absolutely flawlessly.
I was back in time to watch the football, too.
Telegrammed by our man at 222 Marylebone Road
So veteran railway gunslinger Graham Eccles has indeed answered the call one more time, strapped on his six shooters and mosied in to West Coast City to help his old pardner Keith Ludeman. 
Sounds like the plot of countless westerns.
Casting suggestions welcomed.
Telegrammed by Ithuriel
Yet more from Beyond 2014:
'The largest ever rail enhancement plan will be implemented in CP4',
One of the main features will be:
'introduction of Super Express trains, offering more seats on busy long distance routes'.
Routes plural?
By 2014?
The deal has still to reach financial close. And smart money is already on this being a replay of the Intercity 250 programme which bit the dust in the last recession.
Telegrammed by Ithuriel
According to the Executive Summary of Planning Ahead - the industry's plan for 2014 and beyond:
The rail industry is a success. There are even more passengers than in 1946, on a network half the size, and these passengers are increasingly satisfied with their travel experience.
Rail freight has grown by more than 60 per cent since 1995.
But as Roger Ford points out in the May Informed Sources having grown back to the tonne kilometres generated in 1989, non-coal freight has been on a plateau since the turn of the century.
And if freight hasn't grown in seven years of unprecedented economic stability when will it?
Extraordinary rumours from London Midland
Apparently uber-operator and railwayman's railwayman, Graham Eccles, is to join the TOC as Deputy Chairman.
It's always a good idea to keep expert Southern knowledge close to hand...
This just in from Sussex Driver...
It would appear that the announcement about who has won the new South Central franchise is being delayed.
This from our staff brief this week:
"The Department for Transport (DfT) was originally due to announce the winning bidder for the South Central Franchise on 2 June. The announcement has been rescheduled but is still due in early June."
The industry awaits with anticipation - alas, a sentiment unlikely to be shared by the NatEx and NedRail bid teams.
This from the Thanet News...
"Confused taxi driver Donald James, 74, drove two terrified passengers along a railway line... because his satnav told him to."
You may choose to use the bus when next in Canterbury.
This just in, surprisingly, from the late Sir Arthur Sullivan...
After reading the ongoing expense scandals involving our MPs a connection has as last been been made !!
IEP obviously stands for the "Incidental Expense Provision" aka The MP's Gravy Train
Or to paraphrase what my colleague Mr Gilbert once wrote...
When in that House M.P.'s decide,
If they’ve a claim or an allowance, too,
They’ve got to make that claim, beside
The Fees Office did go and tell 'em to.
But then the prospect of a lot
Of rich M. P.’s in close proximity,
All claiming for themselves, is what
No man can face with equanimity.
Then let’s rejoice with loud Fal la – Fal la la!
That Nature always does contrive – Fal lal la!
That every Hoon and every Hogg
That’s flipped a home or cleaned a moat
Is either someone we’d like to flog
Or else a person who’s lost our vote!
Fal lal la!
To the tune of 'When all night long', from Iolanthe
Telegrammed by the Velopodist
Would that it were possible to find a shop like this at a British rail station.
Telegrammed by the Velopodist
I know anecdotal evidence is pointless. But I thought I might follow PJ's example by using my personal experience to make a wider point.
In my case, its about the reality of train travel on mainland Europe and how it compares with the imaginings of those like Lord Adonis who assume things are automatically better on The Continent.
Ive just come off a journey on a vastly expensive ICE3 train heading from Nuremberg to Leipzig, a distance of 322km, a shade longer than the 290km between London and Manchester.
The train left Nuremberg 10 minutes late, like, as far as I could see, huge numbers of trains this morning.
There was no explanation why but it gradually got later and arrived 16 minutes late.
Even before that, the journey was due to take three hours nine minutes an hour longer than the standard London-Manchester journey time, for a journey only 32 km longer.
As ever on an ICE3, it felt as if the air conditioning was broken while the annoying hum reminded one it was just a rubbish system.
I was able to tell the booking office the precise, off-peak trains I wanted to use today and Friday but that bought me no reduction in price. It cost €130, which included two National Express-style seat reservation fees of €4 each, which made it a particular pity they didn't post my reservation on the snazzy electronic reservation signs.
However, I was pleasantly surprised by the edibility of my baguette, given my previous grim experiences of DB catering.
So I'm wondering have the things-are-better-on-the-continent brigade ever seriously tried getting around European countries by train?
Telegrammed by Ithuriel
Good news for Transport Direct, which after five years has welcomed its "50 millionth user".
No doubt Atos Origin is also celebrating.
The company runs the consortium appointed by the DfT in January 2003 to design, build and operate the widely derided 'portal'.
By 2007 the project had already racked up costs of £55m.
As the software is now up to version 10.5.1 perhaps soon it will do something useful.
Telegrammed by the Raver
Just when Network Rail is celebrating punctuality at 90% (sic) into the inbox thuds an angry missive from Virgin Trains:
Our customers will be far from satisfied with these figures - and nor is Virgin Trains.
After £9bn was spent on the West Coast Mainline, customers have every right to expect performance to be at least as good as the rest of the country.
That has not happened and sadly it proves that many of our past concerns about Network Rail were correct.
We have complained formally to the Office of Rail Regulation (ORR) and now demand that the regulator holds Network Rail to account, and that Network Rail delivers the performance we and our customers expect.
Interesting that Beardie's mob are so exercised about Network Rail's failings.
Would they, by any chance, be seeking to distract the media from their own failings?
Notably trains that make the average cow shed smell salubrious, cramped luggage space, falling passenger numbers, a ticket pricing that makes no sense given the frequency of its services and a PR boss who will now never be believed because of his failure to invite any knowledgeable journalists to Beardie's ridiculous musings through fear of embarrassing the great man?
Or would that be mischievous?
UPDATE: This just in from our Independent Expert...
Branson may be right!
Two disastrous journeys with late running along the WCML today leading to a missed appointment for this author.
'Signals' apparently to blame.
Or is it coincidence that there are so many anxious-looking orange-clad men trackside a mere day after the Whitsun break?
UPDATE: This from 'Alexander the Great'...
So according to Network Rail's PPM press release today "No credible numbers exist pre1992" for performance.
Meanwhile, on the 2nd April 1985 Hansard said:
"Information on British Rail's punctuality performance is contained in the annual reports of the British Railways Board and the Central Transport Consultative Committee, which are laid before the Houses and copies placed in the Library."
So pray tell what is "not credible" about that system?
Or is the High Court of Parliament now so discredited that Network Rail dares to accuse it of lying?
UPDATE: Captain Deltic notes:
In the final year of what John Major clone Lord Adonis calls a 'national joke in terms of quality and reliability' British Rail's InterCity business achieved 88.1% of trains within time plus 10 minutes on the West Coast Main Line.
Also in 1993 ECML was at 89.2% (today 87.4%).
But congratulations to Mark 'Black Mac' Hopwood for showing the value of old-railway skills with Great Western today at 90.8% compared with 87.2% in 1993.
And back in 1993 across InterCity as a whole, all customer satisfaction scores were at 90% or above with helpfulness of staff on trains at 98%.
Helpfulness of staff at stations was at 93%, satisfaction with information at stations and cleanliness at stations were both at 91%.
Perhaps we could do with more 'jokes' like that to lighten these grim times.
This from UK Fundraising...
Supermarket Tesco will donate £1 from the sale price of every 'Slumdog Millionaire' DVD and donate the money, expected to reach up to £200,000, to Railway Children, a charity working directly with children on the streets of India.
Good effort.
Remember - every penny counts.
Nice of us to pay Hoon's accountant to prepare his annual tax return.
This from today's Telegraph:
Mr Hoon, the Transport Secretary, who did not pay capital gains tax on the sale of his London flat, was the biggest claimer, submitting accountancy bills totalling almost £3,000.
Geoff - your shameless troughing means you have forfeited all trust we had in you.
Go now you shabby little man.
What is it with heritage railways and the Second World War?
A number of years ago Peak Rail managed to offend nearly everybody by running a picture of an SS 're-enactor' on their magazine's front cover.
Now the Bluebell has gone one better.
Pictured on this website are supposed British soldiers 're-enacting' the summary execution of a German spy at Horsted Keynes station!
And it would appear for nothing more treasonable than carrying a bottle of beer.
Granted it may be lager but the death sentence for a lapse in taste?
Note in particular the British Military Police corporal administering a shot to the back of the head in the style of the Einsatzgruppen Kommando.
Presumably a War Crimes Tribunal was also 're-enacted' immediately after this tasteful tableaux concluded?
Perhaps Boris and TfL should recruit this over-zealous lot to police the alcohol free Underground.
UPDATE: This from 'Top Link man' over at another heritage railway...
We were appalled at the mock execution.
We do also run a war weekend, but the emphasis is on the home front, long distance nostalgia for egg powder, a degree of fun dressing up in 1940s fashions, a collection of suitable vehicles and of course the Spifire flypast.
Yes, there are soldiers in uniform and yes, some German ones at that - but nothing like this.
The mock execution was a ghastly error of judgement by someone - but please don't damn the heritage movement as a whole with this particular brush.
UPDATE: This from Korschtal...
I see the point, but if we only remember the nostalgic things, and not the darker side, I think we run a greater risk of forgetting what a terrible thing war is, and what it does to people - this sort of thing did happen and often to people who were innocent.
I think it depends how it is done - and I can't comment on that as I wasn't there - but I don't think reenacting this sort of thing is automatically wrong.
It may also serve as a reminder of what a police state looks like and make people think carefully about whom and what they vote for.
UPDATE: This just from Our man in the four foot...
I’m sorry?
Was that re-enacting?
As a definition: ‘Historical re-enactment is a type of role-play in which participants attempt to recreate some aspects of a historical event or period’.
As I very much doubt that any such summary execution took place on the British mainland – where is the re-enactment aspect?
Once again this is simply a bunch of little boys in uniforms playing soldiers.
I would have expected better from the Bluebell but it appears they have also sunk into the mire of piss-poor heritage events.
Nostalgia is fine but this stuff is effectively ‘tabloid’ history and demeans those who fought for our freedom 70 years ago.
So do us a favour guys…..grow up!
UPDATE: This view from 'PD'...
As one of the "Little Boys who need to grow up".
May I first of all say I have been involved in assisting "Heritage Railways" to put on 1940s vents for over 15 years. In that time, I, and many of my friends and associates have directly contributed to bringing in tens of thousands of pounds, if not hundreds of thousands, to keep Steam Railways going.
Volunteers and willing helpers, not lofty elitists keep these things running.
And the so called "SS Soldier" on the cover of the Peak Rail journal is dressed in Army camouflage and representing an ordinary German Army Grenadier...
...just as I would not know a 2-4-4 Saddle tank from a 4-6-4 Deltic - please don't simply parrot another hack's scrawlings.
This is a big wide world and there is room for everyone except the intolerant!
Oh - and to address the point of the execution - Abhorrent - repulsive and out of place - No responsible group allied or otherwise would contemplate such a vile pantomime.
This is obviously the actions of two aged duffers out to shock or show off. It has no place or value in current Living History or Re-enactment.
UPDATE: This from The Master...
What's the preservation movement come to?
Summary executions as a form of family entertainment?
Thank heaven no railway has a rake of cattle trucks otherwise we might see a 'tasteful' re-enactment of trains to... (deleted for reasons of taste).
UPDATE: The Sun has picked up the story.
UPDATE: This just in from our Independent Expert...
The worst aspect of this debacle is that it feeds the view of most Fleet Street journos that railway enthusiasts are either saddos or weirdos!
UPDATE 13:00 Monday 26th May: Incredibly the offending page is still up...
UPDATE: This from Leo Pink...
My local Lidl doesn't seem to stock the lager shown but the label is not entirely clear.
Can someone advise on the correct brand name?
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