Bodice ripper

Telegrammed by the late Barbara Cartland
Why is Cruella de Villiers getting so hung up about the bonus paid to Iain Coucher at Network Rail, a man whose chiselled features and brooding eyes make him the obvious model for the cover of my next book 'Love in the four foot', alongside Theresa with her dramatic profile and flowing auburn locks.

She should be comforting this hero of our times, assailed on all sides as he is by Regulators, soi-disant 'Lords', railway pressure groups and now by the lovely Theresa herself .

Can't she see the sadness in a man who has to drag himself out of bed in the morning to do a hum-drum job made bearable only by the prospect of earning an extra £500k if he does the very best he can?

Though I say it myself, the reconciliation of these two tragic figures in the last chapter of 'Love in the four foot' is one of the most moving I have ever dictated.