In search of Morticia....

Telegrammed by the late Sir William Pollitt
Wolmar's website ads are fun,fun, fun

Hot on the heels of 'sugardaddies.com' the site has now selected, for our edification, 'goth.com' - does this mean that Britain's self-styled 'Leading Transport Commentator' is about to appear in eye-liner and jet black mullet?

That'll be a hoot for his next TV appearance. But perfect for radio.

As for the ads - whatever next... whiplash.com? passmyhandcuffs.com? pourmeintomypvcshorts.com?

Sir William for one cannot wait to find out...

Awash

Telegrammed from the Mess room by Barry Spotter
Even if dear old Gordon is out of ideas, it appears that concepts from across The Pond are finding favour amongst the broadsheets.

Andrew Rawnsley has been sampling the Blue Ridge Parkway, part of Roosevelt's public works scheme from the 1930s. Obama has promised a similar raft of projects to fend of the worst of the deepening global recession. How heartening to read this little gem buried half-way down the column:

"The more I think about it, the more sure I become that there have to be smarter ways of using billions of pounds than encouraging people to go shopping for more foreign imports. If the government is going to spend like there is no tomorrow, better to use the money building things that might be useful when tomorrow comes. Better to invest in Britain. That way, when we do eventually emerge the other side of recession, we will be in a fitter place to exploit a resumption of growth. The case is even more compelling because this is a country crying out for serious investment to improve its creaking infrastructure.

"There are plenty of needs to be met. Let me suggest three projects that would provide much better value for money than squittering away any more billions on electronic toys from the Far East. The first and most screamingly obvious candidate for investment is Britain's outdated railways. We are now in that dreadful season when a centimetre of snow is capable of paralysing our antediluvian rail network. It is as bewildering as it is shocking that our railways are so bad. Britain invented the train. We live in a compact, temperate and relatively flat country with no mountain ranges like the Alps or the Rockies to negotiate. Nature gifted us geography ideally suited for a fast, efficient and green rail network."

Antedeluvian might be a bit strong, though.

I'm fairly sure the British railway network doesn't date from before the Biblical flood...

Hark the herald angels

Telegrammed by our Independent Expert
Two faces of the railway this Christmas as the chill winds of recession turn to freezing.

There's standing room only at St Mary the Virgin church opposite Euston as carol singers from the rail industry sing their hearts out in aid of the Transport Benevolent fund.

Meanwhile, the normally thronged Doric Arch pub over the road is deserted, with only one hardened cider-drinking rail PR man and a couple of companions keeping trade going in the empty bar.

God 1 Mammon 0.

Here's to Daz & Kev

Telegrammed by our Independent Expert
After yesterday's WCML pasting by the media, here's the good news you won't hear on the Beeb or in the Mail.

Tonight's 17:58 Preston to Euston departs without catering crew to serve busy first class.

Train manager takes over the job himself and serves food and drink with charm and grace in between collecting tickets.

Well done Daz - and Kev from the shop.

This is Beardie Rail at it's best.

Let's hope Christmas bonuses are on their way!

Tom's back up!

In the most extraordinary come back since Mandy's return to Cabinet for the third time Tom Harris has leapt back into the ring!

Tom leads with the right:

"Harris KO'd!"? Oh, I hardly think so, old chap!

"Your argument/article of faith that DfT specifies rolling stock is based on those occasions where the department - rightly and unavoidably - takes into account the rolling stock commitments of the rest of the network.

"How disgraceful!

"How dare the DfT look at the country as a whole when issuing franchises!

"And how comforting to know that your own solution is to have a Railway board.

"Membership drawn from... the good and the great from the World of Railways - only the self-appointed need apply (sounds like NR's existing Public Members. Ed) which will take no notice at all of the rolling stock that is committed in all parts of the country before giving the go-ahead to any franchisee's rolling stock plan.

That's not a recipe for disaster at all, oh no...

So would that be a qualified admission that DafT does indeed specify rolling stock then Tom?

LAST WORD: Tom concludes...

"No, or at least, not in the terms that you and Roger Ford constantly claim.

"It's up to TOCs to decide what rolling stock they want, but ministers wouldn't be doing their job properly if they didn't intervene - occasionally and only where necessary - to protect the wider network.

"Now go and hassle Andrew Adonis and leave me alone..."

If only the new minister were as accessible...

Harris KO'ed!

Telegrammed by our man at 222 Marylebone Road
Time to pick up the gauntlet thrown down by Tom Harris yesterday.

Tom invited the Major to "take a look at any Invitation to Tender and you will see that the DfT does not specify rolling stock."

Time for a swift reality check.

Section 3.5.3 from the South Central ITT seems to support this thesis, but note the reference to Section 54, which means that if the franchise doesn't want the trains, DafT still has to pay the rentals to the money grubbing ROSCOs who, perhaps rashly, have invested millions on the basis that someone is going to use the kit for more than the seven years of a franchise.

And then, bidders are told that they will have to hire three units to FCC.

Told by whom? By DafT which Tom says "does not specify rolling stock".

See below for chapter and verse:

3.5.3 Specific Rolling Stock Requirements

Bidders are free to propose whatever rolling stock solution they believe best meets the requirements of the franchise. Details of the Section 54 and equivalent undertakings that the Government has made in relation to rolling stock are provided in folder 6.3.5 in the data site.

The risk-adjusted premium/subsidy for any Bidders opting not to rent this rolling stock during the currency of these undertakings will be varied to account for the additional cost committed by the Department

3.5.3.1 Rolling Stock Cascades

As specified in section 3.3.1.3.3 Bidders will be required to hire 3 x 4 car dual voltage units to FCC from December 2011. Bidders should assume that this arrangement ceases in September 2013..

The return of the 3 units hired to FCC and cascade of the further 92 vehicles is dependent on these trains being displaced from FCC services by new build Thameslink Key Output 2 rolling stock. The return dates assumed above represent the current plan but the programme for building and commissioning of the new trains is not yet confirmed. Bidders are required to provide alternative pricing scenarios if Class 377 hand back has to be delayed. A separate technical instruction provides the detailed requirements in this area

Next!

All p1ss and windermere

Gricers fall-out shock horror!

This from the North West Evening Mail...

"Directors of the Lakeside and Haverthwaite Railway, which runs a commercial service between Haverthwaite and Lakeside, have given the Furness Railway Trust and its rolling stock, including the famous Victorian engine Furness Railway No 20, a year to find a new home."

Play nicely boys.

Stupendous incompetence

A Department for Transport scheme designed to cuts costs by £57m was so 'stupendously incompetent' that it has ended up costing £81m.

For the record £81m would have bought approximately 54 new passenger vehicles.

Round the bend

Telegrammed by our man at 222 Marylebone Road
FuCC's press release allows us to calibrate the term 'just around the corner' as in 'New trains are just around the corner'

The first new Thameslink trains are due to enter service in February 2012. So 'Just around the corner' equals three years, approximately.

Oops, correction, that was what DafT said in April.

As of November the statement should now read that the first new Thameslink train should enter service in November 2012.

So 'just around the corner' equals approximately four years.

Red Top shame

Much anger in mess rooms across the industry this morning, judging by the following missive:

"Suggest that FC has a look at page 36 of The Sun today. 'Striker' (comic strip about a footballer) shows our hero downing a bottle of vodka sitting in the 4 foot talking to himself.

"The driver of a Mk4 set on the adjacent line sees him and comments 'Did you see that bloke on the track? He's a sitting duck for the next train'.

Two big issues with this

1) This is deeply irresponsible - just before Christmas (or any time to be honest) when we are seeing the usual increase in unfortunate souls who feel the need to end it all by train. Perhaps the two cartoonists would like to come out with me and my lads as we clean up after such events!

2) On the plus side - nice artwork and an impressive depiction of high speed - but what's this? No OHLE! A highly accurate representation of the ECML I think you'll agree!

Correct on both counts.

That's another fine mess...

The Competition Commission report into the ROSCOs and train leasing market is due to be published today.

This from the FT...

"The commission will rule that the government-run franchising system for rail rolling stock needs an overhaul because official conditions imposed on train-leasing companies are stifling competition, people familiar with the investigation said."

No shit Sherlock!

In your dreams

London to Glasgow in 5 minutes!

Longer obviously if it's a Monday morning and you've just announced the completion of the WCML upgrade.

Election '09

***Ian Dale suggesting a February election***

Don't tell the Brothers...

What are TOCs for?

Time to return to the Wolmar Question: "What are TOCs for?".

The cynical view is that TOCs are there to reflate the coffers of uniform manufacturers and vinyl retailers.

It goes without saying that this jaundiced view is wide of the mark.

This splendid image from FuCC (crazy name, crazy people)...


Presumably the Pink pound is proving immune to the recession?

UPDATE: A reader writes to point out the following Q&A question in the FuCC Thameslink release:

Q. Will there be new trains?

A. Yes! New trains are just around the corner.

Who would ever have thought of looking for them there.

Dangers of recycling

Good news from Scotland

This gentleman appears to have been handed an Asbo for doing something deeply unpleasant in a bottle.


Thank goodness they didn't find the carrier bag.

Parry People Non-mover

Good news for Stourbridge Town passengers.

Read the Stourbridge News piece here

Has anyone got a large elastic band?

Piss-poor reporting

The Fact Compiler is speechless!

This humbug from the Nottingham Post:

"A 61-YEAR-OLD woman who was forced to cancel Christmas when she broke her leg on a railway station platform has won her fight for compensation."

Christmas cancelled! That's buggered up the Incarnation then.

More in response to Tom...

The Fact Compiler rather generously give the last word to Tom Harris MP in the thread We are the masters now!

As a man of his word The Fact Compiler will not reopen that topic.

However, as Tom was kind enough to suggest the Eye's latest exciting poll here are some additional reader reflections:

This from The Major....

"Like Captain Deltic, most people become annoyed when someone says one thing and does another.

"DfT says it does not manage rolling stock.

"Train operators say it does.

"They can't both be right.

"Take a look at any franchise agreement and you'll find a table listing the precise number of coaches allocated to that franchise. This agreement will be signed by the operator and the DfT.

"To change this list requires DfT approval because it is a signatory to the agreement.

"Therefore, DfT does control the stock allocated to that franchise.

"In the good old days of the Strategic Rail Authority, ministers could tell parliament that the SRA controlled rolling stock.

"When the SRA was abolished by government, its functions were split. Network Rail for example took on route utilisation strategies while DfT took on the bulk of SRA's duties.

"I do not recall that allocation of rolling stock was a duty passed to train operators but that is what ministers now tell us.

"Look at it another way. Britain's railways are short of stock. They are running more trains and carrying more people. That's a good thing.

In such a situation, and with franchises set by government, then it must be government that controls allocation of rolling stock - unless ORR fancies a go.

"It would be more honest of ministers if they said: 'Yes, we do control stock allocation because it's scarce and we want to make sure we make best use of it.'

"We might not like their decisions (passengers writing to their MPs certainly don't) but the whole process would be far easier to understand."

In for a penny in for a pound. Anyone else care to comment?

UPDATE: Tom Harris MP writes...

"The Major says 'Take a look at any franchise agreement and you'll find a table listing the precise number of coaches allocated to that franchise. This agreement will be signed by the operator and the DfT'

"Correct - but take a look at any Invitation to Tender and you will see that the DfT does not specify rolling stock.

"Towards the end of that process, the DfT naturally and sensibly requires TOCs to say what rolling stock it will use.

"As you rightly say, stock is scarce, and who do you think would get the blame if a TOC won a bid with a commitment to rolling stock that wasn't available to it.

"That the franchise agreement contains details of rolling stock is obvious. That it is signed by both parties is, I would have thought, a legal requirement."

Any more for any more?

The late Geoff Hoon

Word reaches The Fact Compiler that Geoff Hoon was nearly late for this morning's ceremonial send off from Nottingham of the new Leeds service.

As DafT demanded the new services introduction presumably it could also have demanded its delay?

We are the masters now!

Welcome to the Age of Change!

This from DafT announcing the restoration of hourly services between Nottingham and Leeds:

"The first of the new direct hourly services, which are being reintroduced by Northern Rail following demands from the Department for Transport, rolled out of Nottingham station this morning."

On today's brave new railway the needs of the passenger are seemingly irrelevant.

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UPDATE (12:30): Tom Harris MP writes...

"What exactly is your beef with the DfT - that they intervene too much or that they don't intervene enough? This is a new service - isn't that something to celebrate instead of constantly moaning about everything?

"Why do rail enthusiasts never have anything positive to say about the railway industry? Is it because there is, in fact, no agreement among them about how best to run the industry, so no matter what government does, there will always be someone willing to put the boot in?

"And I thought the media were cynical about the railways..."

The Fact Compiler has two "beefs" about the current set up:

1. Lack of DfT consistency:
Who makes the decisions - the market or the Department? When the news is good DfT wants to claim the credit, when the news is bad it washes its hands and blames the private sector (Eye passim).

2. DfT involvement:
The current level of Whitehall control is unparalleled. Civil Servants are not best placed to run the railways. Return control of the railways to professional railwaymen. Here's an idea. Set up a Board for Britain's Railways, give us a budget and let us get on with the job - without political interference. Allow experts to specify new trains, allocate rolling stock and determine when and where trains should run. Why have a dog and bark yourself, or don't you trust us... Okay - don't answer that one!

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UPDATE (13:10): Captain Deltic sneers:

'It helps if you do irony, Tom.

"The problem is not that Daft micromanages but that it micromanages while ministers swear blind that the Department does not allocate rolling stock, tell TOCs what to do etc... etc... - except that they forget when there is credit to be taken.

"We can tell the difference. That's why the Fact Compiler had the relevant words in bold in the quote from the press release

"And if you want to read something positive about the industry try 4,500 words in the latest copy of the premier monthly trade and technical on the tremendous achievements in improving train reliability over the past year. And not a politician in sight taking the credit.

"And what's this 'enthusiasts' malarkey?

"Railways are a business not a hobby!"

Enter Grant Mitchell from lest "Leave 'im Captain, 'e ain't wurf it".

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UPDATE (13:20): Latest exciting Eye poll refers...

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LAST WORD (13:30): Tom Harris MP adds...

"And another thing... why do I still allow myself to get wound up by you lot even when I'm no longer the bloody minister!?

"Merry Christmas anyway... "

And a Merry Christmas to you Tom.