Foster report on IEP set to music - Shocker

Telegrammed by our Cultural Correspondent
Cultural icons abounded in Marsham Street last evening as Lord Andrew Lloyd Weber's Really Useful Company sought to gain publicity from the delivery of Sir Andrew Foster's report on the value for money of the Intercity Express Programme.

As he arrived Sir Andrew (Foster that is) was swept up in a parade of Dorothys and Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz singing 'Ding dong, the train is dead, which old train, the Zombie train, Ding dong the Zombie train is dead'.

They were followed by the cast of Starlight Express with Speedy the revitalised diesel train pushing Origami the incredible paper train into a symbolic shredder.

Finally the cast of Joseph serenaded Sir Andrew into DfT's Marsham Street Offices with a chorus of 'Any dream will do (so long as it's value for money and credible)'.

Then, like some insubstantial pageant faded. Left not a jot behind.

UPDATE: This, implausibly, from motoring guru Jezza Clarkson...

'Oi! Compiler, get your facts straight. Weber make carburettors, including the twin-choke downdraught 38 DGAs fitted to the iconic Essex engine.

The music bloke is Webber.

UPDATE: This, remarkably, from Herr Carl Maria von Weber...

I think you must have your composers confused.

But if you would like a comic opera on the subject of the IEP I would be happy to oblige.

UPDATE: This, even more remarkably, from Sir W.S Gilbert...

I say, what a cracking idea for the next Savoy Opera.

We could have a magic potion which drives civil servants into increasingly bizarre specifications for new trains.

UPDATE: This, from a somewhat tetchy, Sir Arthur Sullivan...

I've told you again and again, Gilbert NO MORE MAGIC POTIONS'

Right. Enough. No more dead composers please. Ed