This from a Mr Hawken...
The other morning at Embankment Underground station I was enjoined to:
"Make full use of the platform".
It made me wonder what opportunities I had been missing by only using the platform for boarding or alighting from trains.
As opposed to (say) setting up a stock exchange or a three-ring circus?
This from the Globetrotter...
Whilst on the subject of meaningless or illiterate announcements, a personal gripe is:
'The train now arriving into the platform'.
This conjours up images of hideous scraping noises, dust and coping stones flying in all directions.
I think it began with London Underground, but it seems to be spreading like wildfire across the national network as well.
What is wrong with 'the train now arriving' or 'at platform X' if really essential for disambiguation.
And don't get me started on the iniquities of 'train station'!
This from Jules...
Every day, at South Croydon my train pulls in and the announcement rings out:
"Please stand clear of the train at platform 4. This train is ready to depart."
Sadly this is before train has even stopped.
This from a Mr John Bull...
I always get more annoyed than is probably fair at the LU classic:
"[List of Closures followed by]... there is a good service on all other London Underground Lines."
There's an old (possibly apocryphal) story about Lord Reith issuing a decree that the adjective "famous" must not appear in BBC news broadcasts.
This on the grounds that if the person or thing was genuinely famous then it didn't need saying.
The same is true here - the statement is redundant.
We KNOW there's a good service on those lines because if there wasn't they'd have been covered in the list of disruptions.
No need to waste words on it!
The Fact Compiler observes... but what a lovely piece of PR.
This from a Mr Leyland National...
My favourite is:
'This train is now approaching its final destination.'
Presumably to be welcomed by an assemblage with gas-axes in hand?
This from 5741 Duck...
London Underground is always very insistent that passengers "Please use all the available doors".
Getting on/off/on/off... etc until you've used all available doors takes ages.
And that was on a quiet day. Imagine if everybody obeyed this in the rush hour: even if they all started at the same end of the train it would be bedlam.
But I don't think LUL really means it, as the doors closed while I was on the platform between cars.
UPDATE: This from Theydon Bois...
Whilst I am still greatly enjoying the mental image of 5741 Duck working along the train in a heroic effort to comply with the perceived instruction to use all the doors, I do rather suspect that LU is addressing passengers collectively rather than individually and that 5741 Duck is misinterpreting this for (undoubted) comic effect.
Mind you, that does not therefore mean the announcement is sensible or necessary, just that it is somewhat more sensible than 5741 Duck would have us believe.
I wonder how long you would get away with trying to do this before the BTP's finest felt obliged to come and discuss it with you.
And whether citing the LU announcement would be an effective defence under Rail Rozzer interrogation.
I do hope it would.
This from a Mr Weinberg...
Heard on Virgin Pendolinos:
“Please don't attempt to open doors till train has come to a complete stop”
In my experience you can't open the b----y doors till several minutes AFTER the train has come to a stop!
UPDATE: This from a Mr West in the Dominions...
"Complete stop" - do any pendolinos do a "partial stop"?
Maybe a return to GWR-style slip coaches might be one way to serve more stations without increasing journey times.
Posts
