Transport Scotland inventibold new lingua - deep joy

This from The Man by the Photocopier...

 

So Transport Scotland have unveiled their exciting plans for the next ScotRail franchise!

 

Alas, it already looks to have become distressingly derailed in the Editor’s Notes.

 

Apparently, the contract will include a ‘Commitment to taking an innovative approach, true to Scotland’s innovative and entrepreneurial history, to propelling solutions to improved wifi access on trains alongside industry peers.’

 

What language is that? Lowland Scots? Gaelic? It certainly isn’t English.

 

Of course! It’s Management Gobbledegook!

 

Trebles, ahem, wee drams all round, then.

ScotRail McDoomed

Exciting times for North British travellers!

Transport Scotland today launched a consultation on whether or not to ban booze on trains, turn back Anglo Scottish services at Edinburgh and kill, or flog, off the Deer Stalker Express.

In happier news ScotRail has acquired a new Commercial Director.

This from The Drum...

Newsquest Herald & Evening Times sales boss Sean Duffy is to leave the publisher to become commercial director of First Rail.

It is understood that Duffy, who joined the Glasgow operation of Newsquest in September 2010, is expected to take up his new role early next year, where, he will oversee all advertising and sales contracts throughout First Rail.

From frying pan to fire?

UPDATE: This from our man at 222 Marylebone Road...

It was the Green of McGreen who started extending InterCity services north of Edinburgh.

Back at the end of the 1970s when he was appointed the Laird o' the Clan ScotRail, the McGreen, he of the Red Lamposts, had the sort of autonomy that would give even Sir David 'Devolution' Higgins sleepless nights.

Noticing that the new IC125s seemed to be sitting around idle at Edinburgh, the McGreen worked out that he could augment ScotRail services north of Edinburgh in the marginal time.
Unfortunately the journey times were just a bit longer than the layovers as a result of Permanent Speed Restrictions designed for chunkier locomotives than the IC125 power car.

Aided and abetted by a can do Chief Civil Engineer the Laird introduced differential speed restrictions and soon signs at the trackside had two speeds including a marker for HSTs.

All this was done beyond the ken of British Rail Headquarters in London. And by the time the differential speed restriction ploy came to BRB's attention all that could be done about the unauthorised innovation was to give the McGreen a severe bollocking which concluded with 'carry on the good work!'.

Angel hands Salmond independence on a plate

This from the Edinburgh Glasgow Improvement Programme website...

Has Angel at last found a home for the five off-lease class 180s?


And will this naked act of English aggression hasten North British independence?

UPDATE: This from Globetrotter...

Maybe Transport Scotland is taking a leaf out of English transport policy?

Invest a lot of money into stringing wiring from Edinburgh too Glasgow and then procure a fleet of 125 mile/h DMUs to run underneath it.

Perhaps someone should tell them that you can't convert a 180 to a bi-mode...

Sassenachs pillage Arthur's Seat, again!

This from Our Man by the Photocopier...

The Edinburgh Tramless saga grinds on, and provides today's Transport Joke.

Q. Where's the best place to wait for an Edinburgh tram?
A. East Croydon station

It's true!

According to Railnews Transport Initiatives Edinburgh is set to offer ten of the trams it doesn't need to Transport for London, which is looking for some extras.

TIE has asked for the formal tender documents from TfL, competing with someone obscure in Poland. With the 'mediation talks' stalled for at least a fortnight, the good people of Edinburgh should be glad they already have a more than half decent bus service.

And sadly some worse than useless, rather expensive and cyclist dismounting rusty tram rails.

MacPorkies?

This from the The Herald...

Thomas Docherty, a former head of media relations for major projects at Network Rail between 2006 and 2007 and, since May, the Labour MP for Dunfermline and West Fife, said:

“My recollection from my time at Network Rail is that both Network Rail and Transport Scotland knew that a 24-hour operation would be required. My understanding is that Transport Scotland did not share that knowledge with Clackmannanshire Council,”

“The way that the Scottish Government behaved is bordering on the criminal. Even when there were FoI documents that showed its involvement in planning a 24-hour railway, it still won’t admit the truth.”

Good to see that the Jockanese Transport Monkeys are rivaling our beloved Marsham Street for transparency.

Lookalike - Celtic Fringe Edition

Scots independence adds to HS2 bill?

Good news for North Britons!

Last week the figure to build HS2 to Scotland was £34bn.

Now, according to the Birmingham Post, it's £41bn!

Presumably the SNP's referendum announcement has already halved the value of the putative country's new MacCurrency.

MacInsider Trading?

This from the Scotsman...

Transport Scotland's former chief executive Dr Malcolm Reed told the Scottish Parliament in January that his finance chief Guy Houston, a shareholder with FirstGroup, had only taken part in two meetings "after the deal had been struck" on the contract to run ScotRail.

But the agency has now admitted that Houston actually attended several other internal meetings at Transport Scotland when the decision over the lucrative ScotRail contract was still being discussed.

Last week, it emerged that when Transport Scotland was discussing the deal with the firm, Houston was increasing his shareholding.

Perhaps there is a chapter devoted to this disgraceful affair in Moir's lovely book?

Houston we have a problem

Good to see Transport Scotland setting the very highest standards of public probity.

This from The Herald

"Opposition politicians and unions last night called for an inquiry after a report raised questions of conflict of interest in the award of Scotland's £2.5bn railway franchise.

"Concerns arose after Guy Houston quit as finance and corporate services director of Transport Scotland following publication of a report by Audit Scotland.

"Mr Houston, thought to earn £90,000 a year, stepped down on Thursday night after it emerged he held shares and share options in FirstGroup, which will receive the £2.5bn in government subsidies over the next 10 years."

Frankly unbelievable. This stinks.

Credit crisis hits new trains

Whilst The Big Grin Engine has ensured that English rail expansion is off the agenda the situation North of the border couldn't be more different.

There devolution has empowered the Scottish Executive to sponsor six major projects, including five line reopenings, to the tune of £1.5bn.

And whilst English TOCs wait for the Dullards at Daft to address the chronic shortage of trains, Transport Scotland has already set about procuring 120 new vehicles to strengthen services on the thriving Glasgow/Ayr and Glasgow Airport routes.

Despite rearguard lobbying from UNITE the manufacturer has already been chosen (Siemens) and the ROSCO appointed (HSBC) but now the deal starts to get messy.

Tartan sources advise that the new train order should have been announced some months ago but this has been delayed several times as the banking crisis worsens.

With a credit squeeze taking place and higher premiums on borrowing there are more attractive deals for the money to chase.

Before chums in the South East get too smug at their Scots' cousins misfortunes The Fact Compiler urges caution.

Whispers reach him that the credit crunch is also impacting on Southern's order for new dual-voltage Electrostars, needed to meet the revised service in Thameslink Key Output 0.

Scottish Charter Trains

The Scottish National Party (SNP) has had something of a Damascene conversion to the private sector in recent years - much to the disgust of party members.

In 2006 the SNP's Party Conference in Perth voted to re-regulate bus services, echoing a commitment previously included in the 2003 manifesto. With SNP membership clearly behind the policy it seemed a dead cert to be included in the 2007 election manifesto.

However, just weeks before publication date, Stagecoach boss Brian Souter bunged the SNP a £500k personal donation. Surprise, surprise, when the manifesto appeared the bus re-regulation commitment was missing!

The SNP's membership is also passionate about rail renationalisation. Once again the party fought the 2003 election on a platform of bringing ScotRail "back under public control". And yet again the undertaking was missing from the 2007 manifesto.

The ScotRail franchise is currently operated by First Group, who have the unenviable record as Britain's most hated franchise operator (Worst Great Western, FuCC, etc...).

Imagine, therefore, the shock amongst the party faithful when on the 3rd April this year Transport Scotland awarded Worst Group a four year extension to its franchise without any form of public consultation.

According to industry newspaper Railnews the decision was defended by Scotland's Finance Minister John Swinney on the grounds that public consultation might have caused damage to First Group's share price!

By now it will be apparent that with the SNP in power at Holyrood almost anything is possible.

With this in mind The Fact Compiler is inclined to give slightly more credence than usual to sources suggesting Stagecoach & Serco are going into partnership with the Scottish Exec' to run Charter Trains.

The Fact Compiler would love to hear more from his friends up North....