Whelan invades Gussett's table

It's the battle of the Titans!

What are we to make of the growing media rivalry between those two icons of the industrial landscape (shurely, 'wasteland'? Ed) our very own two Micks, who lead the RMT and ASLEF respectively and contrariwise?

The stock of RMT's Mick Lynch has seen a stellar rise across the nation due to some deft handling of frankly rather uninspiring sofa squatters on the early morning tellybox.

Not to be outdone, ASLEF's Mick Whelan took to this Saturday's Torygraph, of all places, to renew his public profile push. 

Pity poor Sir Herbert Gussett and his cornflake festooned breakfast newspaper.

Eye puts this almost sibling-like rivalry down to the two Micks' earliest days - shared at an alma mater subsequently favoured by New Labour's very own Mr Tony - London's Oratory School.

Whilst not a Jesuit institution, Eye is sure the Oratorians of Brompton would echo Loyola's oft quoted sentiment: 'Give me a child until he is seven, and I will give you the man'.

Quite so. Literally two peas from the same pod.

Railway Dictionary update

 This from our lexicographer friend Barry Spotter...

The word for today is:

Optimism: hopefulness and confidence about the future or success of something.

See also: Late, Expensive, Missing, etc...

Eye's Exclusive Christmas Telly Guide

This from Michael Port and Stilton-illo...

The festive season is of course the perfect time for opening up the Quality Street and unwinding in front of the TV.  So Eye has selected the very best of the seasonal schedules from the Radio Times-table, perfect for all the #railwayfamily.

15:00 Queen’s Christmas Message
Please stand for Her Majesty.  Unless you’re on the 7.16am train from East Grinstead to London Bridge, in which case you’re already standing.

15:15 Sector Deal or No Sector Deal
Open the boxes to see whether the railways get a sector deal.  And who is the mysterious banker who is leading the project?  This week’s contestants include RSG, RDG, RIA, Rail Alliance, RFEM, DfT, BEIS... (That’s enough acronyms – Ed)

16:00 Gardening Leave World
How to prune orchard fruit trees.  With special guest RDG presenter (to be announced.)

16:30 Pointless
Rail freight experts try to explain to Lord Adonis why platooned lorries will not solve world hunger.

17:00 Film - Titanic 
The East Coast franchise is sinking, and shareholders are in peril.  DfT have launched the lifeboats but can they rescue it before everyone’s reputation is damaged? (Repeat)

19:00 Penn and Teller – Fool Us
Illusionists Penn & Teller sit in the audience whilst Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell describe their plans for the UK railways, including nationalisation, buying back the ROSCOs and national pay bargaining.  There’ll even be enough money left over to cut fares!  Can they fool the magic duo? Can they fool you?

19:45 East-West Enders
Chris and Rob throw a Christmas party to celebrate the start of works, but joy turns to horror as something nasty is discovered in the structural surveys and Peggy realises that half the outputs have vanished!

20:15 DIY SOS
The village wants a new railway station, but Network Rail’s costs are just too high!  Can the community come together to deliver it more efficiently? Presented by Rob Mackintosh with help from a team of friendly Canadian pensioners..

21:00 Antiques RailShow
In this special rail edition, ROSCOs ask the experts to assess whether there is any residual value left in their fleets.  A rare PRM TSI compliant HST causes excitement for Fiona!

22:00 News at Ten
Presented by Nigel Harris

22:15 Regional News
Presented by Chris Grayling (All regions, except Scotland)

22:30 Weather
Network Rail’s new video explains why they can’t run trains when it’s too windy, wet, hot, cold, snowy or leafy.

23:00 Morecambe and Wise Christmas Special
Our annual reminder that everything was better in the past. Guest stars include Val Doonican, Christian Wolmar and the British Railways Board.

Wishing all Eye readers. and contributors, a Merry Christmas and a prosperous 2018.

Rugby club gets new boots

This from the Archer…

I thought BMRFC members might like to see what the Mids Div would be sporting on the field this season (Is there an English version of this? Ed)

Eye can't imagine they've ever lost a match.

Lost Beckett masterpiece discovered in Marsham Street

From a recently discovered Samuel Beckett notebook...

Becket identifies the players only as Rosco - a once wealthy business type in a suit; and Cloggie - a foreign gentleman, possibly Dutch?

Rosco: “Let's go."
Cloggie: "We can't."
Rosco: "Why not?"
Cloggie: "We're waiting for Wilko.”

Curtain falls slowly as they look hopefully into the wings...

Cryptic CrossCountry

This from Antony Furlong…

Has Cross-country re-introduced the mystery tour, or is this Voyager trying to draw a steam loco?

The Silence of the LMs

Herr Professor Erwin Schroedinger writes…

In co-operation with the Britisch Department sum Transport we began an exciting new experiment to validate a more advanced version of mein 'Uncertainty Prinziple'.

The award of the West Midlands replacement franchise to Abellio, JR East and Mitsui was announced on 10th August, but not signed and then surrounded mit ein wall of silence.

With no one knowing what has happened in the following weeks, we have the situation where the franchise award may be in the bureaucratic process, still under negotiation, or deferred.

Railway Eye's science correspondent Prof Fred Bunsen-Berner notes that this triple uncertainty paradox could mark a step forward in our understanding of nuclear physics.

Whether it could be applied to our understanding of franchise procurement is perhaps less certain.

Dft Policy Explained via Twitter Meme

This is very good!

I'm going for no likes or retweets here 🛤️🚄🚆 pic.twitter.com/sUimaqCaO3

— Laurence Turner (@larry_turner) August 29, 2017

Sadly, only too true.

Labour proposes gender segregation on rail

Good news for fans of Chris Williamson MP (Sid and Doris Gricer).

The Shadow Home Office minister has suggested a return to Ladies Only carriages.

Alas, this discrimatory nonsense will not do!

As any ful kno there are now at least 39 genders that will need similarly catering for if the industry is not to fall foul of equalities legislation (40! You forgot to include Mighty Oaks, of which I am one. Ed).

Despite his proposals being subjected to wide spread derision, Eye understands at least one part of the industry has welcomed Williamson's 'bold and exciting' initiative.

Step foward the Roscos, who are expecting a bumper bonanza as all those displaced vehicles are hurriedly pressed into gender specific service!

Greening rides to rescue of the railway!

Good news for the railway via Justine Greening!

The equalities minister has announced that those over a certain age will be able to self define their gender without the need for a medical diagnosis.

Eye understands that, in recognition of this momentous change, the vibrant Rosco community has already decided to self define their Pacer fleets as IEPs.

Unlike traditional IEPs the Greening IEPs will run at much slower speeds and will lack the ability to erect a pantograph, which traditionalists claim means they are nothing more than buses on rails. A spokestree for Angbrook said "Piss off bigot, if we say it's an IEP, it's an IEP."

Similarly, RDG has now decided that all services on the national network will have the ability to self define whether they are on-time or not. A spokesfish for RDG said: "Binary concepts like 'on-time' or 'late' have really had their day. Time is fluid and can be anything we say it is." There are expected to be additional benefits to this 'huge step forward', not least the complete abolition of Delay Repay.

Meanwhile, sources close to Network Rail suggest that the infrastructure giant is also considering allowing signals to self define their status. It has long been felt that certain colours are gender laden and that the old fashioned sequence of danger, caution and clear doesn't allow 'dollies' to express their true personalities, suppressed as they are under the leaden weight of patriarchal command and control structures.

Unbelievably, Theresa May's government self defines as strong and stable.

Eye's Summer Special Offer!

This from Barry Spotter Enterprises...

Having trouble with air conditioning controllers going walkabout?

Do you find yourself unable to keep your office or mess room at just the right temperature to allow restful sneaky snoozes on company time?

Have no fear! The Southern Region has the answer!

Just attach your air-con hoofer-doofer to a spare insulating pot using cable ties and flummox any remote control pilfering miscreants!!

Price: Just a fraction of the cost of all that knitting nonsense that is going so well elsewhere in the country.

Note: Offer only available on the Southern Region, London Underground and Merseyrail*.

*Customers on the Eastern, London Midland, North Eastern, Scottish & Western regions will need to install proper traction supply systems before purchasing.

Wet Toast - warming the market for rail

How the heart swells when you see traditional scenes like this on today's railway!

What's that you say?

It's not from a kettle!

Oh!

Eye's powerful intervention in Nationalisation debate!

As any ful kno evidence based arguments are the way forward!

That is all.

Let's parlez Franchise

Picture the scene: A room somewhere near NW1:

V: Hola, estoy aqui para la entrevista.

R: Vous est dans le wrong chambre, mon old mate. C'est le salle de franchise bid.

V: ¿Pero yo pensaba que el español era necesario?

R: Era. Mais now la grande alliance avec comedores de caracoles!

V: Meirda, or should je dit, Merde!

R: C'est not a problem. Ave vous l'ability être completely sans service de customer, avec les professional disinterest et hauteur?

V: Ci... er... Oui!

R: Très bon. Welcome to mon team.

Coming to a railway near you soon, possibly...

Small glasses being raised in the Shire

Lots of chatter about Siemens and Bombardier merging.

Eye recommends not holding your breath, it will be... complicated.

Meanwhile, half glasses are being raised across the Shire, and possibly further South?

You can't beat a home brew.

Exclusive: ECML tunnels to be opened by Private Sector

Private sector to break Welwyn bottleneck

Eye understands that Treasury is close to signing a significant deal on ECML capacity enhancement, involving private sector finance.

The ECML’s greatest capacity limitation is the two track section at Welwyn North. In 2000 Railtrack proposed widening the viaduct and boring new tunnels to provide four tracks throughout, and Eye understands Provisional compulsory purchase orders were put in place.

With the demise of Railtrack these schemes lapsed and the 2000 plan is now, of course, seen as politically unacceptable, not least by local MP Michael Green.

An internal NR document seen by Eye headed - Project: Rail-Loop (F) - which has already cleared most GRIP stages, proposes Welwyn North Base Tunnel (WNBT).

Engineering studies are believed to suggest a tunnel built to the same maximum 2.5% gradient specified for HS2 would be both feasible and less intrusive. As well as an acceptable alternative to doubling the viaduct plus second tunnels parallel to the existing bore.

The document says:

"Within the HS2  parameters the 1.4  mile ramps would  place the southern portal of the WNBT on the disused sidings to the East of Welwyn Garden City station.  At its deepest the tunnel would run some 25 metres, below the surface of the Mimram Valley and the viaduct, before climbing to the surface and joining the existing ECML alignment beside the North  portal of the existing tunnel near  Woolmer Green Junction. At Crossrail speeds tunnelling would take around a year."

Eye understands that final sign off from Treasury and DfT on WNBT is dependent on Chris Gibb’s review into  the 2018 Thameslink timetable. As the proposed Thameslink TT renders EMT and VTEC service enhancements almost undeliverable additional capacity is desperately required.

The construction of WNBT would be independent of the existing railway aside from the connections at each end.  Making an ideal candidate for private finance, attractive to both funders and existing consortia, especially those with suitable tunnelling machines released from current schemes.

Operational benefits would include separation of local and Thameslink services from long distance trains. Depending on the speed in the new tunnels there could also be a slight reduction in journey times.

DfT and NR were unable to comment.

Industry simplification - Supply and Deliver!

Eye exclusive: Inside the office of the RDG CEO!

An Aldersgate mole has supplied extraordinary footage of recent high level discussions between leaders of the RDG and RSG.

Here Paul Plummer offers the Supply Chain a seat at the table:

Truly, Master of all he surveys!

A song for Thursday?

Just going to leave this here.

But who knows?

Gisby attends COBRA

This from Harry Kane...

As the UK is threatened by yet another major storm overnight, thoughts are with all those working to keep the network open and passengers and freight on the move.

This week’s severe disruption of course serves to remind us all of the critical role that railways play in the national economy, as well as to the country's well being.

Something that Robin Gisby no doubt highlighted at COBRA this week, under the agenda item ‘Money No Object’.

Derby does Westminster!

The Derby Mafia took over Parliament last night, courtesy of Mid Derbyshire MP Pauline Latham.

MPs, Peers, members of the Derby and Derbyshire Rail Forum, their customers and the wider industry marked the 175th anniversary of the railway's arrival in Derby.

And by happenstance, also celebrated the award of the Crossrail fleet to a local manufacturer...

Iain Stewart MP, PPS to the Secretary of State, did the honours - whilst the rest of the front bench transport team were on flood duty.

Meanwhile, Eye wonders what on earth Captain Deltic said that DG Rail could so vigorously agree with?

And from the sublime to the ridiculous!

Someone in the Palace of Westminster evidently has a very warped sense of humour:

And with floods and gales in mind, Eye hopes all those on and about the railway tonight keep safe.

Home safe!

UPDATE: This, perhaps surprisingly, from Captain Deltic...

In fact I was warmly commending DfT for its pragmatic approach to franchising and rolling stock accessibility requirements.

Who could not agree with that?