Lookalike XlV

UPDATE: This from a concerned reader...

Dear Fact Compiler

You're worrying yourself about the trees of whom Rupert Brennan Brown, the veteran rail industry observer, resembles and missing the wood - he's smoking in a railway carriage.

Was this picture taken after smoking was banned on the railways?

If so, when can we expect to hear of his banning from National Express East Coast or whichever Toc it was whose rules the irreverent spin-merchant was choosing to flout?

Yours in the interest of public order,

Robert Wright,
Transport Correspondent
Financial Times

As the Eye understands that BB advises a competitor to NXEC we had assumed such a ban was already in place...

Lookalike Xlll

Lookalike Xll

Lookalike Xl

A muesli muncher writes...

This just in from a frustrated reader...

The Fact Compiler is quite right to have a go at the Lib Dems and their whining about Britain's (actually rather good) railways.

But at least one can simply ignore their press releases.

The Tories are far worse.

Barely a day goes by without a Jeremiad from Theresa Villiers about some cooked-up railway scandal, often based on utterly misleading newspaper stories.

It obscures their two half-decent points - that the government is micro-managing the railways and Network Rail needs better governance. It also makes them look like they want more micro-management, not less.

Now it's also dragging in the government - I saw the DfT put out a pointless press release today on a £2.5m study which will examine whether to redouble the Swindon-Gloucester route.

All this hysteria creates the deceptive impression that the railways are still the shambles they were five years ago.

It also prevents sensible debate about real issues such as safety standards, capacity, the proportion of farebox and freight customer revenue funding for the railway versus the proportion of government support and many others.

All that said, there's nothing wrong with eating muesli. I have it for breakfast every day.

Norman wisdom...

Are the LibDem's Transport Team clutching at straws?

The muesli munchers have been bombarding anyone foolish enough to give them an email address with a growing number of loopy press releases screeching about how utterly piss-poor the railways are.

In their latest effort the flip-flop wearers moan about the number of unstaffed stations on the network.

While train companies are announcing staffing cuts across the network, the Liberal Democrats have released new research showing that one third of stations are totally unstaffed.

No shit, Sherlock!

Perhaps when the LibDem's take power (the week after hell freezes over) stations like Loch Eil Outward Bound and Coombe Junction will be staffed for the very first time! Ensuring unparalleled levels of customer service for the one man and his dog who actually use these wayside halts.

So come on Norman Baker - without demonstrating the economics of the madhouse, what is your solution?

Meanwhile this sort of PR poppycock masquerading as 'news' is just plain silly. Please stop it now.

Yet more fiscal imprecision

Telegrammed by J Arthur Prufrock

DfT says the 120 Electrostar vehicles will cost £160 million.
 
BREL, sorry, Bombardier tells the local press it is £155 million.
 
The Canucks who own Litchurch Lane say it's £180 million including maintenance.
 
Any better offers from the putative owners, the inspiringly  named  Lloyds TSB General Leasing (No.8) Limited?
 
(PS I am not a number, I'm a free ROSCO)

Bonus ball

Telegrammed by our man at 222 Marylebone Road
According to the Daily Telegraph, the Rugby Football Union has agreed a deal that should ease the rail chaos at Twickenham during the Six Nations Championship.

Network Rail has now pledged to suspend disruptive work when England are playing at home in the Six Nations.

That would never have happened if Network Rail had not attracted the best international management talent with its modest bonus system.

Boris snow storms out

***BBC reports Mayor flounces out of the TSC***

Bombardier - braking news...

Telegrammed by Ithuriel
Good to see Bombardier is acknowledging its quality problems.

According to their latest press release on today's NXEA Electrostar order:

"The units will also feature the renowned and sophisticated BOMBARDIER MITRAC propulsion and controls system to recover and feed back energy while breaking".

Presumably that anticipates the underfloor mounted equipment-cases falling off as braking forces over-stress the faulty welds on their support beams.

Money for old rope...

This from an irate reader!

I received the following invitation to an event called "Railway Improvement: Rail services for the modern commuter".

"Rail travel has never been under the public spotlight as it is today," the blurb says.

But that's just not true.

It was more under the public spotlight after Hatfield, or when Railtrack collapsed.

It's much less under the spotlight now than then.

This is just nonsense verbiage, written without the slightest reference to the facts.

I also note Wolmar is a speaker, no doubt explaining how train lavatories should ditch paper and use his patent water-squirting device...

The Fact Compiler may attend just to hear this!

Network Rail bonus saga

***Coucher launches offensive in FT***

Project Argus: We're all suspects now!

This from a very concerned citizen...

It was revealed recently that the Government was training up 60,000 civilians to "fight terrorism".

This scheme is called 'Project Argus' and is being rolled out across the country.

Today I've seen some excerpts from the course literature. The general advice ( not referring specifically to railway stations ) includes ...

• Tourists should not necessarily be taken as such and should be treated sensitively, but with caution.

• Be on guard for anyone possessing maps, global positioning systems, photographic equipment including cameras, zoom lenses and camcorders

• Be on guard for people taking pictures, filming, making notes, sketching of the security measure at tourist attractions

The Eye recommends interning all Tourists and Photographers on the Isle of Man immediately.

UPDATE: This from Bushcutta...

Good to see London Underground is already preparing the first boatload for Douglas.

According to the BBC...

"London Underground (LU) passengers are being urged to help log London's bird population by entering a photographic competition.

"Entrants are asked to photograph wild birds within a five-minute walk of a Tube station for a chance to win a prize in the Mind the Bird contest."

Just because you think you're innocent doesn't mean you're not Guilty!

Selling England by the pound

Timing, as they say, is everything.

Oh happy circumstance!

Whilst Brown was bonding today with Obama who should finally be announced as the £400m Project Delivery Partner for Crossrail but... US mega firm Bechtel!

Now we know the price of the Special Relationship, it would be interesting to understand precisely what Gordon has secured from Barrack in return.

If it doesn't result in a very large number of "British Jobs for British Workers" then be assured Gordon - it's your pension they'll be after next!

Rudi... a message for you...

The Fact Compiler is unsure whether this is an All Fools' Day spoof or not.

According to the Liverpool Echo...

MERSEYRAIL will give away 10,000 pairs of flip flops to footsore racegoers after Ladies’ Day at Aintree.

The flip flops – branded with the Merseyrail logo – will be handed out by volunteers to women waiting to catch their trains from Aintree station on Friday, and on the day of the Grand National itself.

Either way it doesn't matter.

As the PR who placed the story tipped off the Eye, it gets in!

Good effort the PR team at Merseyrail!

Lager mentality

Telegrammed by our Independent Expert
Are stories about the recession a load of old rubbish?

Overheard on today's largely empty 11:30 Euston to Glasgow.

Rubbish collector to Train Manager: "Well you can tell passenger numbers are going down. Less and less rubbish on the train, not much work to do today. And the working classes aren't travelling - there's hardly any lager cans down the back of the seat."

Memo to Gordon Brown: Instead of the Retail Price Index as a guide to the recession, how about the Virgin Rubbish Production Index?

Arise Sir Kevin?

This from the Oakham Rambler...

As a former practitioner in the art of spin, I agree that Network Rail’s spinmeister-in-chief Kevin Groves deserves a pat on the back for persuading Evening Standard veteran hack Dick Murray to write an-all-too-rare positive story about railways (Network Rail promises £35bn rail revolution, Standard front page 31 March).

However, before prematurely bestowing upon cool-hand Kev the title of PR manager of the decade, let’s wait and see how he handles the media feeding frenzy that will undoubtedly follow the impending announcement of fat-cat bonuses for Notwork Rail directors.

If Kev-the-spin can persuade the baying pack that Coucher and co. deserve a top-up to their already inflated salaries, he will be due a knighthood.

And not just a knighthood. If he can pull off the PR equivalent of raising the Titanic then he should bill Iain for half his bonus as well!

All quiet on the bonus front

***Silence is Golden - as indeed are bonuses***

All change at Crossrail

This from NCE...

Doug Oakervee will step down from his role as Crossrail executive chairman today, but will not be in the office as he is fulfilling jury service commitments. London and Continental boss Rob Holden takes over tomorrow.

From Wednesday, Oakervee will take up his new post of Non-Executive Chairman.

And the Project Delivery Partner is...

Don't forget your Tiffin Box

It gets worse!

First on train catering hits the wall.

Now the station caterer of choice is accused of being over leveraged!

One piece of good news.

At least carriage seats won't need to get any bigger.