Primrose Hole

It's good to see some old railway traditions continue to survive in the Age of Change.

Like surreptitiously demolishing stations to prevent their future use.

Nicely done NR!

So what?

Good news for Buffhoon and Co.

According to today's Standard the toothless Transport Select Committee is thinking about holding an inquiry into recent fares increases.

What a wonderful opportunity for the Government to show its continued contempt for Parliament.

Nuspeak

Telegrammed by Eboracum (50A)

Railway Eye's free cut-out-n-keep industry definitions for use in 2009:

Barrier - Device for ensuring you definitely miss the train

Bonus - Large sum of money given to director regardless of competence

Bus - Inevitable alternative transport – see Network Rail engineering schedule for details

Christmas - Biblical holiday when the railway sleeps

Dinner - Sandwich and bag of crisps if you are lucky

Director - Fat bloke in suit with lots of money

Driver - Grumpy bloke who sits in the front of the train and ignores passengers

Fare - Thing that increases faster than rabbits on Viagra – See ‘Bonus’ and ‘Director’

Franchise - Something that disappears faster than Ali Bongo’s rabbit

GNER - (Eastern England trad.) Mythical halcyon concept from past history

Guard - Same as 'Driver' but sits at the back

Seating - Technique for balancing a laptop in you left hand and typing with your right whilst standing in gangway end spilling your coffee

Service - Surly and patronising treatment grudgingly thrust in the direction of passenger by staff member wondering if they will still have a job this time next week

Passenger - Person sitting in car in traffic jam

Timetable - Document detailing the time before which the train will not depart

More please...

UPDATE: Two from The Major...

Possession - (NR internal) Nine tenths of the law

Seat - (Obsolete) Place of comfort at which passengers received service

More please...

TOC graveyard

Good news for anyone brave enough to bid when the East Coast Mainline franchise is re-let.

As National Express East Coast builds on the success of GNER (shurely heads to the same graveyard. Ed), the Eye understands that DafT policy wonks are already working up a new, improved, specification.

Welcome to the first seven year franchise with a break point after just two years.

Ministry of truth 2

Telegrammed by our man at 222 Marylebone Road
ATOC's mea culpa also sought to assuage the righteous wrath of its hard pressed passengers by referring to 2008 investment in:

"More frequent on major routes and improved facilities from free broadband to extra commuter parking".

Since this non sequitur appeared in both the original and corrected versions of the press release, we can only assume that 'frequent' has become a noun.

Suggestions for dictionary definitions welcomed.

UPDATE: A reader offers the following as a definition of "frequent" = delays

A child is born

The Standard reports that for only the second time in history a child has been born on the Underground.

The birth took place at Kingsbury station on the Jubilee line.

Had it been on the Vic' both conception and birth could have taken place whilst waiting for the line's upgrade.

Ministry of truth

Telegrammed by our man at 222 Marylebone Road
In its press release seeking to justify its members' swingeing fares increases ATOC claimed:

"Investment is the key to better services and train companies are continuing to invest huge sums – like the £4.5 billion on new trains over ten years.

"In 2008 train companies invested in:

• £190 million on new trains for London Midland.
• £150 million on refurbishing train fleets across the network."

If ATOC Chief Michael Roberts were Pinocchio, Eye calculates that his nose would now stretch halfway to the moon.

As any fule kno it is the Rolling Stock companies and their owning banks which actually invest in the trains.

All the TOCs do is pay the lease rentals which, unless DafT has anything to do with it, pay a return on the investment over a very long period of time.

But no doubt ATOC is only obeying Dr Mike Stalin's instructions to airbrush the ROSCOs out of railway history.

Fall-Behind Group

Things are not going well over at Go-Ahead franchise London Midland.

Serious train crew shortages are leading to daily cancellations - with up to a 100 services a day being caped.

So annoyed are passengers with LM management's piss-poor performance that they have started taking it out on staff, leading to a disturbing rise in assaults.

Even lacklustre DafT has started to make veiled threats about the franchise's future.

The situation is so bad that one regular contributor to an internet news group now signs off his posts with:

"London Midland does NOT have a staff morale problem.
Most of the staff have no morale - NO PROBLEM."

Greater reich

So farewell English, Welsh & Scottish.

From today you are known as DB Schenker.

Catchy - not.

Gongs

Announced in HM the Queen's New Year Honours List:

CBE
Robert David Holden. Chief executive Officer, London and Continental Railways Ltd. For services to the Rail Industry. (Hertfordshire)

OBE
Michael John Glover. Arup Fellow and Technical director and Deputy Project director, Channel Tunnel Rail Link. For services to Engineering. (Sevenoaks, Kent)

Wayne Spence. Service Delivery assistant, Temple Meads Station, Bristol. For services to Passenger Transport. (Bristol)

MBE
Bernard Godfrey Rainbow. Chief Locomotive Inspector, Severn Valley Railway. For voluntary service to the Rail Industry. (Birmingham, West Midlands)

Robin Kingsley Prince. Operations Standards manager, Victa Railfreight. For service to the Rail Industry. (Maidstone, Kent)

Missing resolution

The ATOC media machine cranked into life yesterday and issued a release headlined:

"TEN NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS FOR RAIL PASSENGERS IN 2009" (regrettably not yet posted on the ATOC comms website).

Aside from the fact that it's somewhat cheeky to impose resolutions on passengers (rather than making you own) there did appear to be something missing from the list.

Where is ATOC's New Year's resolution about allowing photos to be taken at stations without fear of harassment or intimidation?

Economic & Efficient

Network Rail continues to focus on Driving Down Cost as can be seen in the picture below.

Iain Coucher writes...

"Japan is an 11-hour flight... so, I did some reading on the plane... this seemed to amuse the DfT..."


Presumably the joke is funnier if your flight is paid for by the taxpayer?

Double Standards?

The Fact Compiler has been beseiged by emails from furious NR staff.

Whilst the Eye had it's bottom spanked by the NR press office for questioning whether Iain Coucher in the picture below was appropriately attired, NR's own staff remain to be convinced.

This from an internal NR S&T forum...

"An S&T Team was spotted from a moving train by Mr Coucher not wearing hard hats. Each member of the team have received a Form 1. Therefore A photo of Mr Coucher on Connect not wearing a hard hat came as a surprise, I hope a Form 1 is on it's way to him!"

The latest exciting Eye poll refers...

Value for money?

The RMT has returned to the Wolmar question:

"As monopoly rail operators prepare to implement another round of punishing inflation-busting fares hikes of between six and 11 per cent, RMT reveals the stark figures that show how the big five transport groups are converting fare hikes into bumper profits, fuelling dividend increases of at least ten and as high as 33 per cent."

So what are TOCs for?

Dancing Queen?

Surprising news from the world of Amazon.

A quick glance at the listing for Wolmar's latest tome reveals the eclectic purchasing habits of his readers.


Presumably the popularity of Mama Mia (2%) is unconnected to the continued scandal of the disused international terminal at Waterloo?

A quick flutter

Railway Eye's new tipster 'Depot Lad' reports the latest betting in the Adonis £300 million DMU stakes:

Tasty dog 5-2 (Fav)
Medina Sidonia's Revenge 4-1
Flag Wagger 5-1
Extra fried rice 10-1

Reverse forecasts not available

Movers and shakers

So it's all change at Network Rail London North Eastern

David Pape will relinquish the role of Route Director on Monday 19th January.

He will be replaced by Richard Lungmus currently Maintenance Director in Scotland.

Papey will continue to report to Robin Gisby, but will be undertaking project work "in the broad area of Control".

As Papey had a reputation for treating freighties with an even hand they are watching these developments with interest...

A brace of Harris

Bowler tip to Nigel Harris for this...

Chortle...

The Ghost Train

A seasonal tale to delight even the hardest heart.

It was Christmas Eve and nothing stirred not even a mouse.

And certainly not the 21:37 from Leeds to Manchester Victoria.

Which although advertised doesn't actually exist.

Which left over 70 disgruntled and stranded passengers at Leeds station besieging NR's reception demanding an explanation and a way home.

And they all didn't have a very merry Christmas. The End

UPDATE: This from Tim Scougall of West Yorkshire Passenger Transport Executive...

The 21.37 from Leeds to Manchester Victoria certainly does exist - look
in the timetable.

It didn't run on Christmas Eve, neither did the 22.37, but there was plenty of advance publicity concerning the fact.

Your piece is somewhat misleading to say the least- it wasn't NR's fault at all.

The Fact Compiler never said it was - he merely pointed out that NR took the brunt of stranded passengers anger.

UPDATE: An irate passenger writes...

"If it wasn't 'advertised' why was it up on the PIS, then shown as running late?

"And why were 70+ people waiting for it and platform staff expecting it?

"The train may have been a ghost but the pax weren't..."

UPDATE: Tim responds...

"I wasn't at Leeds Station on Christmas Eve so I cannot comment on the fact that the train was shown as running on the PIS and I am at a loss to understand why the platform staff were still apparently expecting it to appear.

"In common with the rest of the rail network several trains in West Yorkshire, after 20.00 on Christmas Eve, either stopped short of their usual destination or didn't run at all. The same will apply on New Year's Eve. This much was contained in Metro's publicity issued well in advance of the Christmas period.

"As far as the detail is concerned I knew that this particular train wasn't running on Christmas Eve (if it's any help to anyone it won't be running on New Years Eve either even though the National Rail Enquiries Journey Planner still says that it is!) and since my information came from Northern Trains you can appreciate my comments above.

"Sadly, this appears to be yet another breakdown in communications between National Rail Enquiries, Train Operating Companies, their staff, and their "Customers".

"I would be grateful if you could point out that I don't speak for the WYPTE and my comments are very much those of an individual to whom The Railway Eye has brought hours of entertainment."

Happy to do so and thanks for the update.

UPDATE: It emerges that a data entry error saw the Ghost Train being left in TRUST so it was advertised on NRES (and the PIS).

Oops!

Screw the passenger

This just in from Gareth Marston, Chairman of SARPA

"Passengers hoping to catch the 16:24 Arriva Trains Wales service from Birmingham New St to Aberystwyth on Tuesday 23rd December discovered the truth of Tim Bells admission to the Welsh Select Committee that his franchise doesn't have enough trains

"Despite being a four car class 158 passengers struggled to board the train resulting in a departure 23 minutes late.

"NRES helpfully explained the cause of the late running as "an unusually large passenger flow"."

This obviously came as something of a surprise - what with Christmas coming round annually and all.

No matter.

Whilst the chaos at New Street unfolded a half empty Wrexham and Shropshire service from Marylebone to Wrexham meandered its way via Tame Bridge Parkway.

Of course to protect Beardie Rail profits WSMR services are barred from Birmingham New Street and so were unable to assist with the pre-Christmas "unusually large passsenger flow" to Shropshire & mid-Wales."

Thank goodness for moderation of competition which protects profits rather than the interests of pesky passengers.