Conundrum

Why are these to be found in the vestibules of Class 455s but not on the platforms of the stations they serve?


The Fact Compiler apologises to SWT if the 'Securitate' now demand they be removed.

Glad I asked

The Fact Compiler would like to thank those readers of the Railway Eye who took the time to vote for their favourite term of abuse for the IEP.

Readers were invited to select one of the options below:
1. The Camel Class
2. The Frankenstein Train
3. Neither of the above.

As The Fact Compiler is new to these sort of ballots he has asked well known unionist Crow Bar to assist with the collation and announcement of the results.

Just over 2,500 people visit Railway Eye each month. Of which just 50 voted in the poll.

However, Crow Bar advises that these figures are unimportant and may in fact be numeracist, so probably best forgotten about.

Therefore those results in full. Crow Bar, if you would...

"Greetings comrades. A massive 64% of you voted unambiguously for the Frankenstein Train, totally and utterly vindicating our position on this piece of nomenclature and once again reminding the exploitative private sector management classes that our members will not lie down and accept anything less than the full term of abuse when referring to the IEP. Furthermore I put management on notice that attempts to divide my membership by waving Camel Class inducements or embellishments will be perceived as a direct assault on agreed machinery and will result in a dispute situation existing between ourselves and..."

Continued p94...

Smoking

US railroad company Iowa Pacific Holdings has bought RMS Locotech, the last remnant of ECT's unsuccessful foray into railways.

According to the ECT website the new company is to be called 'British American Railway Services Ltd'.

A sort of cross between EWS and British American Tobacco.

Communication

The Fact Compiler has been forwarded the following management communication to ticket office staff:

"For the benefit of Booking Hall staff and other helpful passers-by, if
the young lady returns, this envelope is in the Booking Hall in-tray
where it has been for the last week ready to be collected.

The in-tray is the one next to the white stick and the guide dog."

Who says the railway is not inclusive?

Gare de l'eau

There are still a number of fleets on the network without retention tanks.

As well as being a health risk to Pway workers and visually unpleasant in station environments there is a direct cost to Network Rail for cleaning up such effluent, estimated at £7.2m per year.

To address this Network Rail and ATOC jointly issued a consultation document today, proposing variable usage charges to recover these costs from TOCs.

The Fact Compiler wonders if this will come to be known as the Track Turd Tax?

Shanghied

Rumours of further changes to HSBC's rail division.

Having shot both the MD and Head of Customer Services the banking group is apparently looking to dispense with the Rosco's 'New Business Team'.

This is the team which only this July won £180m worth of business financing the new Siemens trains for Scotrail.

Looks like HSBC is supremely confident about DafT's promise of 1,300 new vehicles.

Clear as mud

Telegrammed by the Master
Virgin services out of Euston are just getting back to normal after being suspended (according to announcements) due to "a broken down freight train near Coventry"

- but I thought the Trent Valley had re-opened?

Yours, A confused punter...

Zontar at Barrow Hill

Railway Eye readers wishing to relive the golden moments of Zontar's visit to Barrow Hill's 'Rail Power 2008' event may find this of interest.


Those in a corporate environment may wish to turn the volume down and check the guv'nors not looking....

Nag

Oh dear. The ORR appears to be taking up where the old inflexible HSE left off.

Eight weeks ago in the Mountsorrell area of the Midland Main Line there was a pedestrian near miss on a crossing.

The crossing has been in continuous use for some 150 years.

The service pattern and line speed on this section remains the same as it was in the 1990s so the 'risk' today is as great as it was ten or twenty years ago.

This particular near miss involved a pedestrian who, in less politically correct times, might have been described as "doddery".

None the less the brave, risk averse, box fillers of the ORR decided that a prohibition notice must be slapped on the crossing with immediate effect.

Which leaves Network Rail with a problem as they are now obliged to find another right-of-way for those inconvenienced by ORR's knee jerk over-reaction.

In the normal course of events this would presumably involve the construction of a footbridge - at not inconsiderable expense.

Alas the crossing was no ordinary foot crossing it was in fact a Bridleway.

Leaving poor old NR to come up with an even more expensive design of footbridge capable of taking horse as well as foot traffic.

Meanwhile whilst one bit of ORR adds needlessly to the railway's costs another bit of the same organisation is demanding NR budget cuts of £3.3bn over the next five years.

As Asquith pointed out "Power without responsibility is the prerogative of the harlot throughout the ages".

Time for Chris Bolt to rein in some of his more over zealous 'safety courtesans'?

Sleeper

Rail magazine claims it is best for news.

The Fact Compiler believes that Rail is selling itself short!

Judging by page 24 of the latest issue the mag can also help you save on your household budget.

A sharp eyed Railway Eye reader has pointed out that in the bottom left of the picture below (just beneath the sign saying "High visibility vests must be worn beyond this point") there is a gentleman having a quick 40 winks.

So now you know - short of a pillow, use your hi-vi.

Midget gems

The Fact Compiler has received an email from a gentleman calling himself 'Pike'.

He writes: "Further to the theme of the vertically challenged may I draw your attention to the following Railnews website article which appears to show a dozen miniature engineers fettling the WCML!"

Stupid boy!

Double trouble

The latest edition of Rail Management contains an advert which seemingly reinforces a number of tired stereotypes about industry 'temps':

However, fans of inclusivity rejoice!

One of the ladies pictured appears to be as vertically challenged as Rommel's own editor.

Perhaps this is why the ad appeared twice?

Don't panic

Telegrammed by our man at 222 Marylebone Road
The 'IEP Evaluation Process Guidance Document' for the Frankenstein Train was published on Friday.

It promises to beat, with a very large stick, any bidder foolish enough to disclose confidential information:

5.2 Confidentiality
A fundamental requirement of the IEP procurement is that tender information is kept confidential at all times throughout the evaluation process and that the highest standards are applied and maintained in order to ensure that any evaluator’s access to Bidder information is restricted to that agreed with the evaluation team leads and set out herein as defined by the access to information defined in ASITE.

Specifically commercially sensitive tender information must be controlled to:

• Prevent the prospect of insider trading in share prices
• Avoid the leakage of undesirable information to Bidders and the undermining of the DfT’s negotiating leverage.
• Provide confidence in the procurement process
• Reduce the risk of Judicial Review

Does the stricture against 'the leakage of undersirable information' apply to the MD of one of the bidding groups who has already pointed out that the diesel version is "unfundable"?

Probably not, as DafT is terrified that if just one of the two bidders walks away the whole sorry process will attract even greater censure from the inevitable NAO inquiry.

For richer for poorer

Who would be an ATOC press officer?

Today's ersatz industry ensures that when there is good news TOCs take the credit.

When it's bad news they let ATOC shoulder the blame.

Thus in today's Sunday Telegraph it is an ATOC press officer "on behalf of London Midland and Northern Rail" that defends the eye watering increases that next week's fare revision will impose.

Poor old ATOC - always a bridesmaid never a bride.

Vote early vote often

Nigel Harris, editor of Rail Magazine, suggests the IEP should be known as the "Camel Class" whilst The Fact Compiler prefers 'The Frankenstein Train'.


Railway Eye readers are invited to say which term best describes this ludicrous DafT procurement exercise by voting in our poll on the right.

Poll closes on Saturday 6th September at midday.

Cheek!

***Leading Labour blogger Kerry McCarthy MP (Bristol East) has discovered a man with £280 in cash concealed between his buttocks.***

Kerry McCarthy: Rock bottom

Sittingbourne is Finnished

Unhappy news from the Sittingbourne & Kemsley Light Railway which has announced it will cease operations on Friday 26th December.

According to a posting on the volunteer organisation's website their Finnish landlord, M-real, has served notice on them to quit the land on which the railway operates.

The Fact Compiler understands that younger members of the railway have proposed a poster/car sticker campaign. These can be downloaded from SOS (Save Our Steam railway).

The Fact Compiler suggests a better plan would be to get hold of Andy Roden, quick!

Andy, it will be remembered, masterminded the Save our Sleeper campaign which woke up even dozy DafT!

Have cake and eat

The increasingly potty Office of Rail Regulation has handed down yet another loopy pronouncement.

The Holborn Mafia announced today that Network Rail is 'turning journeys into marathons'.

It found that only 80% of scheduled weekend passenger services operate without being diverted, cancelled or replaced by buses.

The ORR partly blamed 'cost-cutting' measures.

The Fact Compiler wonders if this is the same ORR that wants NR to implement a whopping 21% 'cost-cutting' measure to reduce its CP4 budget by £3.3bn?

Surreal!

Trebles all round

The Fact Compiler has been coaxed out of his deck chair by the following extra-ordinary announcement:

'Former London Mayor Ken Livingstone is to advise Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez on urban planning.'

No doubt our thirsty former mayor's decision to accept this role was unconnected with the cheap price of Venezuelan rum...

Silence is Golden?

The Fact Compiler is on annual leave...


Normal vitriol will resume on the 1st September...